There are only a few ways to use the word “crush” positively.  To describe October in Napa when the grapes start the process to become wine.  To describe the way you feel about someone new and exciting.  Isn’t there even an orange soda with that name?  But when it is used to describe your emotions, your heart, your feelings…it sucks. Period. 

I’ve had a heavy heart.  Heavy as in sad, not fat.  @TheB0y and I decided to end things between us.  Not because we didn’t adore one another.  But because it wasn’t meant to be.  Long term.

For six solid months, we loved hanging out together. Cooking (him), drinking (me), playing games, naked wrestling, etc…  Most of what we did and shared together will remain private.  We spent most of our time that way and I respect that.  Aside from our chemistry and connection, we matched on “paper”.  We both have a thing for black Mercedes and are both professionals in our careers and earn a decent living.  Plus I’m outgoing and gregarious and he’s shy and introverted.  In fact, he’d be the guy to build the spotlight, explain how it works then operate it while I’d prefer to be in it.  Add a fucking white picket fence, a few dogs and a membership to the community center and BOOM…match made.

We were so comfortable and at ease with one another. But there was something missing.  That’s the hardest part. The one flag I consistently noticed was the speed of our relationship.  It was slow.  Incredibly slow.  A speed in a relationship that I had never experienced.  Deep down we were both so guarded. Then we were hit with the realization that it needed to be over.  This is when my heart felt the it.  CRUSH.  Like a train sitting on my chest. 

I’m convinced if we didn’t know better, we’d stay together and it would work, at least for a period of time.   Yet because we’re brilliant, we both know there is more out there.  

For anyone who knows me, I’m happy.  It’s the way I operate.  I realize I’m blessed to share my life with amazing people.  Whether it be as the girlfriend, the ex, the friend, the neighbor, etc.  @TheB0y and I are committed to remaining friends.  Good friends.  It is important to us both.  Knowing that, I can now focus on Napa in the fall or that sickly sweet orange soda when I think of the word CRUSH.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 15th, 2009 at 12:22 am and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.