Use It or Lose It (By It, I Mean Home)

By Susan Mercedes. Filed in Home |

I have a cat who was once a stray cat. He is about 7 years old. That’s 49 in people years. Suddenly he became a fucktard. Yep. A stupid fucktard cat at the age of 49!

He received a beautiful Christmas gift (<~ click for proof) in 2008. It was a “How to train your kitty to use the toilet” Training Kit. The gift was from me. I mean really, who likes to clean the damn litter box? It’s a chore I hate so can you blame me? Plus I’m a mom. I’ve done this EXACT task before. I trained my kid to use the toilet when she was a toddler. Therefore I see no problem asking my cat to do this before he hits retirement age in human years.

Well back to the fucktard…

Here’s what the ”How to train your kitty to use the toilet” Training Kit looks like in stage two. Stage one does NOT have the hole it the middle. There’s another step…with a bigger hole which I would use IF MY CAT WASN’T A FUCKTARD. Did I mention that we dedicated a bathroom in my home to this cat too?

Now I must speak for my fucktard cat because he can’t. But based on his actions, I can confidently tell you he doesn’t like the hole in this contraption.

He pawed me off (equivalent of flipping me off if he had fingers) and tried to punish me by using my new plush carpet and a house plant as his new litter box. I once read that one of the few things that deter cats is aluminum foil. So I’ve used this technique on my trouble spots as shown here:

But I don’t want to be THAT person. Kinda like the grandma who covers her stairs and couches in plastic. I don’t want to have a layer of aluminum foil covering my entire house.

Which brings me to my next question…

Anyone want a fucktard cat?

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the creation of this blog post although I did put him outside for an hour which was my way of grounding him.

Care enough to share:

Tags: cat, stupid, toilet training

This entry was posted on Friday, April 24th, 2009 at 8:30 am and is filed under Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

18 comments to “Use It or Lose It (By It, I Mean Home)”

Comment by Libby:
Friday, April 24th 2009 at 8:49 am
I have one of my own. I actually have to carry her down into the basement to make her use the litter box. Oh, and she’s diabetic, which means she pees GALLONS.

Susan Mercedes Reply:
April 25th, 2009 at 10:28 am

Libby: With the neediness of your cat, I would put a litter box in every room in my house. I’m lazy like that. You’re a good cat mom.
Comment by kel:
Friday, April 24th 2009 at 10:01 am
Haha. The Obligatory Fucktard. Everyone has one. Yours is a cat, mine is Scott’s bff Kris.

And BTW….is that second thing that’s covered up a moosehead? Because if so, you just moved up 3 cool points.

Susan Mercedes Reply:
April 25th, 2009 at 10:30 am

Kelli: Have you met me? A moosehead! Are you kidding? Keep my score down 3 cool points. It was a plant. And yes, I have horrible photo shooting skills.
Comment by TheB0y:
Friday, April 24th 2009 at 2:54 pm
The pic with the aluminum foil looks like a crime scene with the foil covering up dead cat bodies. Trying to send the fucktard a message? “use the crapper or I’ll use the last foil on you?”

Susan Mercedes Reply:
April 25th, 2009 at 10:32 am

TheB0y:I should sent him a message like that, but I think it’d be more effective if I put kitty coffins around my house instead.
Comment by katarina:
Saturday, April 25th 2009 at 10:22 am
you know, he didn’t even look excited about opening the gift.

Susan Mercedes Reply:
April 25th, 2009 at 10:37 am

Katarina: An ungrateful cat, can you believe it? Did your cat ever wear the boots we gave him as a gift? I bet not. Cats. They are all the same.

katarina Reply:
May 4th, 2009 at 10:35 am
OH those were hilarious. They didn’t stay up but I loved them! I’ll have to dress him in them and post a pic. We just bought a real cover for Pat’s car instead. Although I think he (the cat, ha ha ha) still gets on the hood every now and then. Miss you!

Susan Mercedes Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 7:05 am

Katarina: I’m waiting for the picture of the puss n’ boots so I can laugh my head off. Poor kitty. Miss you too.
Comment by kel:
Saturday, April 25th 2009 at 7:24 pm
Oh, and I love how the cat is eyeing the “plant” (aka moose head) in the picture.
Comment by Robyn:
Saturday, April 25th 2009 at 8:30 pm
This is exactly why I trained my cats to go outside – well that and you don’t even want to know what dogs do with litter boxes… (hint: no cleaning by me)

Susan Mercedes Reply:
April 26th, 2009 at 8:41 am

Robyn: You’re right. I need a cat door so he can go outside. Except, my brilliant fucktard of a cat will bring me half alive birds and play with them in the house. I hate birds. He has actually done this before. Maybe I need a dog to clean my living room carpet. Yuck. I’m completely grossed out.

Want another cat?
Comment by Sarah:
Monday, April 27th 2009 at 4:41 pm
One bit of advice: get a fucking dog.
Comment by Summer:
Tuesday, April 28th 2009 at 4:25 pm
HAHAHA! I love that you wrote the fucktard story! Too bad my apartment only has one bathroom or I would totally try this, that is, after I get her shaved.

Susan Mercedes Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 6:05 am

Summer: If you ever move to a two bathroom place, I’d suggest getting a one without carpet and ditching all your big potted plants. Or selling your cat to the circus. They always need more lions.
Comment by Erin:
Tuesday, April 28th 2009 at 11:07 pm
Oh, God. My dog ate the cat poop out of the litter box once. Then he threw it up everywhere. Poop barf … everywhere … okay … I’m retreating to my happy place now.

Susan Mercedes Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 6:08 am

Erin: Thanks. That was painful to imagine. But you wrote it so well, I had no choice. Yuck.