This Dress Keeps Me Honest

By Susan Mercedes. Filed in Health |

I have always been mindful of my weight. Duh. Who hasn’t?! The majority of us have clothes in many different sizes. Our bodies change, especially as we age. As a side note: if you’re a middle aged adult wearing the jeans you wore in high school, you may be thin but you have no style.

Most people monitor their weight using the standard measures. They don’t work for me. Here’s why:

The scale method. Sure I step on the scale every morning. But that piece of shit equipment has been known to lie. It does! Let me prove it. My scale weight DOES NOT match the stated weight on my driver’s license. And we all know the DMV doesn’t lie.

The friend tactic. I ask girlfriends if they have noticed me plumping up. They always say no. They have a motive to lie. Hell, they want me around mostly for my unlimited wine supply. Plus they also want me to get fat so they continue to look skinnier. Bitches. I need new friends.

The jean approach. This method involves trying on a fitted pair of jeans. The fit of these jeans are perfect when you’re at your goal weight, so you keep the jeans as your measure. If they are tight, you’re fat OR they shrunk. But I’ve outsmarted that approach. Trick here is to wear your jeans, then wash them and DON’T dry them. Every time you wear them they stretch just a little more. Soon a size 4 will be a size 10.

I monitor my weight but I’m forced to use untraditional methods since it is clear that the above approaches don’t work for my wise little big ass.

I have a dress. The dress isn’t made of stretchy material. It is fitted. And when I wear it to work I am forced to wear it all day long. So when it feels snug, I am required to face the truth. And the truth makes me do crazy things…like eat a salad for lunch.

Here’s the dress.
Disregard the sign on my ass.
If you must know, it is a reserved sign.

Care enough to share:

Tags: clothing, diet, scale

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 21st, 2009 at 10:00 am and is filed under Health. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

8 comments to “This Dress Keeps Me Honest”

Comment by BigFreaky:
Thursday, May 21st 2009 at 11:02 am
hmmm… perhaps I should try the fitted dress method…

Susan Mercedes Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:41 am

BigFreaky: You should. But privately. Very privately.
Comment by kel:
Thursday, May 21st 2009 at 11:29 am
I have been absolutely pissed at the scale lately. So my new trick is using the measuring tape. If the numbers don’t tell you what you like, then you just squeeze the tape a little tighter until you see the number you like.

Susan Mercedes Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:43 am

Kel: Great idea! *running to get measuring tape while my dress is at the dry cleaners* Red marks on skin (from pinching) are totally normal.
Comment by Summer:
Thursday, May 21st 2009 at 1:40 pm
and you look absolutely fucking amazing in that dress too, I might add!

Susan Mercedes Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:44 am

Summer: Aw. Thanks. Hugs.
Comment by Suz:
Friday, May 22nd 2009 at 11:10 am
Yes the magical dress. You do look fabulous in it. Remember the “I’m married” comment?? Obviously it’s a winner. One of my latest tricks–go to a fast food drive-thru–any one will do–and just watch the people in line. Seriously, 4 out of 5 are morbidly obese. Makes me feel skinny so I order up a BigMac and large fries. Oh, were you thinking that would discourage me from eating fast food??

Susan Mercedes Reply:
May 24th, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Suz: You always amaze me and crack me the fuck up. Thanks love.