I’ve never done this before. (These days, I’m discovering that I don’t say that phrase often enough, but that’s a totally different issue.)

I’ve never had a guest writer. But I had an experience recently that caused my abs and cheeks to hurt from laughing so hard. Rather than me trying to recreate the humor and sound like I was just making fun of my friend, I offered him the opportunity to retell the story. This is the email message I got. Verbatim. Except for the comments in blue which are from me (starting now!).

Email message:

I think it may be too long.

HAHA – that’s what she said!

-Jeremiah

Blog submission:

For my birthday Susan took me out to lunch-or a ‘@susanmercedes’ as we call hours-long lunches that include alcohol. When we got to Wild Grape (yummy restaurant in Salt Lake City with a great wine selection and a fun staff…shown below) Susan made it a point to let everyone know that it was my birthday. Everyone. Which is fine if you’re the kind of person who is comfortable with a lot of attention, but I’m not. (Whatever, he loves it! Jeremiah, you’re officially a liar in print.) After what seemed like an hour of this, we were seated.

Susan’s personality is infectious (not like herpes or a staph infection, but like happy, fun, make you want to smile infection) and our cute waitress warmed up to her quickly. This never works out well for me because Susan likes to make jokes about my um, manhood, and my performance in the sack-despite the fact that SHE HAS NO CLUE. Our friendship is strictly platonic and always has been, but somewhere along the way Susan took a potshot joke and ran with it. But today was my birthday so she promised to be on her best behavior. And she was, at least until dessert arrived because at this point we were quite a few drinks in.

Waitress, setting down the goat cheese panna cotta: “Go ahead, try it. I’m in to reactions.”

Susan: “Oh yeah? Then you should totally have sex with him” (pointing to me)

The waitress laughed hard, her eyes shooting straight up as some people do when they’re laughing at something embarrassing.

Susan to the laughing waitress: “Yes, that’s exactly the reaction you’d have!”

Doubled over in laughter, the waitress managed to turn bright red despite her olive skin. I was in a similar state, laughing even though Susan had just told a perfect stranger that I was a joke in bed.

I’ve always been able to laugh at Susan’s jokes that come at my expense because quite frankly (Here comes Jeremiah’s chance to publicly tell the world about how wrong I am. Let’s see how he does.) I know the truth and she doesn’t. If I were self-conscious about it I might not be able to take the jokes, but as it is, I just think they’re funny. (That completely sounds like something a guy who drives a huge lifted Ford F-350 would say.) Somehow I’ve even convinced myself that her jokes would be endearing to other women and help my cause, though they certainly haven’t so far. (Hey ladies, he’s single. And I doubt that I am the reason.)

I’m pretty sure if I ever go back and get that waitress again I won’t be landing a date, but I *can* expect to be laughed at. (Jeremiah, is that so different from any other place you go? At least with me it isn’t.)

I realize that posting this may lessen my chances of getting more guy friends. But I don’t do this to all of my guy friends. Only Jeremiah. He’s special that way. *pointing below his belt*

Tags: birthdays, humor, lunch

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 5th, 2009 at 9:30 am and is filed under @susanmercedes, Drinks, Friends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.