Like a Hooker
By Susan Mercedes. Filed in Drinks, Weekend |
Fortune cookies are fun. And we all know that if you add the phrase “in bed” to the end of your fortune it makes it funny.
Take this one: Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you.
Now spice it up: Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you in bed.
Spiced up version is much funnier and sexier. Right?
While in Vegas this weekend, I came up with my own additional phrase which can be added to almost any sentence. This is better because, let’s face it, nobody eats fortune cookies everyday.
My new phrase: like a hooker.
It all started at the blackjack table. I had a pair of 8’s. That’s when I threw down another $50 and told the dealer,
“Yes! Let’s split those…like a hooker.”
In an effort to cheer on my table mates I’d add the phrase to common table side banter.
“You’ve got to hit that…like a hooker.”
“You’ve got to go down on that…like a hooker.”
Pretty soon everyone at the table was using the term “like a hooker”.
Well the fun didn’t end there. Nope. Of course it didn’t. Not when vodka sodas were flowing and keeping me hydrated.
After hours of gambling and winning and drinking and even playing a little pool (which by the way my stellar pool skills paid off since I won at that too), the hooker theme continued. [Inserting a short hooker story now.]
We were riding the elevator. (<~ Oh, opportunity to add…like a hooker to that sentence. See how easy it is.) It was a crowded elevator. Very crowded. There was a woman on it who was wearing the world’s shortest leopard dress with obnoxious red fuck me stripper pumps and was clearly heading up to her mobile office a hotel room to pay a visit to a man who was paying her to be there.
The elevator was dead quiet. All of us, except the slutty one, were in pairs. Nobody was saying a word. I leaned up into my friend’s ear and in my quietest drunk whisper I said, “I think she’s a hooker.” Smirks filled the elevator. I thought I said it quiet and because I was quite tipsy I didn’t notice the smirks. I only heard about them later. The response with a huge laugh was, “I think you’re right.”
Please note that you can use the term “like a hooker” for nearly anything. I have been. For example, I pounded my Zinfandel…like a hooker. And I licked my homemade coconut ice cream…like a hooker. I really did those things. I also really said those things.
So here’s to not taking life so seriously and enjoying the ride…like a hooker!
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 10:05 am
I’m gonna drizzle this honey over my tea like a hooker!
Glad you had fun!
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
h0neyb: Did your tea get all sticky…like a hooker?
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 10:08 am
This post made me giggle… like a hooker!
Totally fun. Just like a hooker.
Oh shit, I can’t stop… like a hooker.
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Becky: See, it’s totally contagious…like a hooker. (That may be my best one!)
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 10:41 am
This is even more amusing if you put laughin’ tobacco in your water pipe… like a hookah
~grin~
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:31 pm
880Metzeler: But isn’t doing that shit illegal…like a hooker?
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 10:52 am
Pssst! (She’s making money on this post) …like a hooker
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
880Metzeler: It’s completely addicting and fun to use…like a hooker.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 10:57 am
This is too funny! Now I want to got to Vegas with you. Actually I just really miss you and we need to schedule some time to drink lots of wine… like a hooker.
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Summer: I’m always up for Vegas. But since we can barely fit wine time in, let’s aim lower (than a Vegas trip). Like let’s schedule exactly that. Wine time. Let’s do it…like a hooker.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 11:29 am
“like a hooker” definitely worked. “I want to live in Milwaukie so I can eat cheese curds and look hot amongst all the really fat women there” … not so much. =) You definitely keep me entertained.
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Suz: You have it all wrong. I said, “I love Milwaukee but couldn’t live there because I’d get super fat from drinking beer and eating cheese curds all the time.” That bitch was just sensitive…like a hooker.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 12:17 pm
That is too easy to burn into your brain! I seriously almost just asked my kid if he did something “like a hooker!” – and all I did was read this post!
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Anne: Are you kidding?!?! That is hysterical. I’m just hoping he wasn’t *actually* doing something like a hooker. Because then I’m going to worry.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 2:46 pm
Hahaha! I have a feeling this is going to spread like wildfire.
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:41 pm
MooKooJoe: You’re damn right it’s going to spread like wildfire just like a hooker.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 3:09 pm
This one is a classic!! All during my business mtg, in my mind, kept adding that tagline & it was quite hilarious!!
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Lisa: On our next girls’ trip, I think we incorporate it. We’ll find ourself just sticking it in…like a hooker.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 4:03 pm
Pretty funny, but I’m not sure it’s going to replace “in bed” or my preferred version, “between the sheets.”
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Kim Crystal: I’ve not heard “between the sheets”. But I’m going to use it…like a hooker.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 5:38 pm
Ok, Susan, I think you’ve taken this a little too far (like a hooker). Hookers are people; they have fathers and mothers who might even dare show them unconditional love (like a hooker). Sure it’s fun to slam them (like a hooker) because they’re easy (like a hooker) targets, but it’s not nice (like a hooker).
I mean, what if it was you? What if instead of finding a job doing something you were good at, you took a job as a hooker?
This post is offensive (like the smell of a hooker) and you really ought to be slapped (like a hooker).
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Jeb Ro: I wish I could favorite star blog comments. Yours would make it to the list. And you’d love it…like a hooker.
Nice job jab. But that implies you know. And you don’t. So there. Take that…like a hooker.
Monday, November 16th 2009 at 7:21 pm
Damn, it really is catching. Nice work.
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:58 pm
kel: It’s completely contagious…like a hooker.
Thursday, November 19th 2009 at 9:03 pm
Nice!! I love how you ran into an actual hooker after your “like a hooker” fun at the tables. Awesome ending to the story.
Susan Mercedes Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Tara: It was a perfect ending to a great night.
Tuesday, November 24th 2009 at 9:46 am
I keep coming back for more …like a hooker.
Susan Mercedes Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 am
880Metzeler: See how it works every time…like a hooker. Bam!