Here’s the thing. It would be hard for me to make a Christmas list sharing all the things I want. Because really, I have everything I NEED. Please notice the word need. I capitalized it for effect. Everything on my list would be frivolous.

I am one lucky fucker. I realize it everyday.

On Christmas morning, Elle always feels bad because she opens about one zillion gifts and I only have a few. I don’t mind. Because I feel blessed. Elle is so cute, she’ll sometimes ask me to help open her gifts so I have something to do besides watch her and smile and drink champagne. Don’t judge, it’s a holiday.

Well this year I decided to buy myself stuff. Frivilous stuff. Here’s what happened to be on my impromptu list:

• a case of sparkling wine – bubbly makes me smile

• two sexy pairs of 4″ pointy toed heels – my favorite shoe style
• a picture frame for my kitchen
• a wine key necklace – a local artist made it
• Botox – I realize this isn’t under the tree
• Other stuff that I wrapped weeks ago and forgot about – I like surprises too
• And whatever else I find between now and tomorrow morning.

So Merry fucking Christmas! I hope you enjoy this time with loved ones and champagne. I know I will.

Tags: holidays, kid, lists

Dear Tuesday,

I have high hopes for you. Monday totally let me down. Then kicked my ass.

Tuesday, I realize that you have a busy work day planned for me. I can handle that. But please don’t kick my ass like Monday did.

And you also give me hope. Having a 1.5 hour massage scheduled will help you seem less like an ass. And dinner with friends at my house tonight helps even more. And the best part about you Tuesday, my friends are cooking for me. I will do my part. And by my part, I mean open and pour wine. It’s what I’m good at. Oh, and eating.

Thanks for being gentle.

Much love,

Susan Mercedes

P.S. Please tell Monday that yesterday was Global Orgasm Day and I did my part. Sure, it was by myself. But it was epic. Thanks again for being so sweet.

xo

Tags: letter, sex, Tuesday

Dear Monday,

I had such high hopes for you. You were supposed to be the day I woke up NOT feeling hungover. WTF Monday?! You didn’t do your part. Again, I wake up, after only 4 hours of sleep, so tired and way too dried out. You know, dehydrated. From drinking.

Then when I get to work, you continue to kick my ass. Like seriously Monday, why can’t you be nice? This is getting old. You fuck me over, and from what I hear, there are lots of other people who would agree.

To make matters worse, the days before you are my favorite and always treat me well. Hell, Sunday provided non stop bubbly and two parties. Saturday gave me a fabulous day and night filled with friends, food and wine.

Monday you give me only one fucking thing…work. And a hangover. Of course, I had a lovely 2 hour lunch. But I’m not letting that fool me. You still want me to work for 8 hours. Fucker.

Please take the year of 2010 off. I can do without you.

Regards,

Susan Mercedes

Tags: hangover, Monday