Let me guess…a man (with a very happy wife) thought of this company name.

Classic.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Well the other day I had a revelation. Of course, this thought isn’t new to me. However it hit me so hard the other day, I was stopped in my tracks.

I need to get control. Not over people. Not over things out of my control. But with things that are 100% in my control.

• spending – I buy whatever I want, without any thought to cost
• eating out – I eat out most days for lunch and several nights a week for dinner (this doesn’t help my calorie intake or my spending)
• imbibing – I drink frequently (1-2+ glasses of wine every night!)

These are all things I have set limits on before and done successfully. But for some reason they all feel like they have spun out of control recently.

And by losing control over these things, I seem to have gained everything (mostly bank fees and weight). I don’t want those things!

So here’s to getting a grip on my life. And I started last night…by eating homemade, healthy soup (Don’t freak out. Yes I cooked!  And yes it was fabulous.), skipping wine and not spending money to eat out.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I plan to still eat, drink wine and spend. But in moderation. For example, I don’t need to have a glass of wine EVERY night. I can drink it several times a week and still feel okay. I also plan to still spend money. I make it. I can spend it. But I need to put some limits on how much I spend. I have lofty long term goals, like living as a rich person when I retire, and this takes some restraint now. I plan to eat out, but not everyday at lunch and most nights at dinner. I will force myself to cook at home and/or bring a lunch to work.

Wish me luck!

What things do you have to limit in your life?

Sometimes it’s just too big!

I could be speaking about a few things. Hair, gut, ass and serving size. Those things can definitely be found too big.

But what I saw over the weekend was added to the list. This is a house in Salt Lake City which I pass often. It’s just down the road from my liquor store.

The water features at this modest size house are ridiculously big.

Anyhow, the lesson here is…to scale people. Make it to scale.

At least that’s what I thought when I discovered the game Words With Friends. It’s an app for the iPhone which is just like Scrabble. And it seemed so innocent. Until I noticed a trend. Check out the letters on the right side going down:

This is the order of games I’m playing. I can’t make this shit up.

Two other images to share which are my proudest:

My highest point word ever. (This one isn't dirty. I'm just bragging.)

Rhyming with Rambo works. And the points are PERFECT.

So if you want to play with me, I’m Susanmercedes. And I promise to keep it as PG as I can. Just don’t blame me for the dirty stuff that creeps up.

Here’s how you do it.

Step 1: Stop taking showers. Personal hygiene can be taken off your to do list.

Step 2: Master the game of hacky sack, fine tune your drum skills and learn to toss hippie sticks.

Step 3: Brighten up your wardrobe with handmade tie dye clothing.

Step 4: Believe in unicorns and their magic.

Step 5: Grow out your hair. And for men, grow out your beard. All the way down your neck.

Step 6: Make sure you have at least one sleeping bag in the trunk of your car.

Step 7: Stop eating meat or go big and become a vegan.

Step 8: Never stay in a hotel again, only camp.

Step 9: Dust off your Birkenstocks. Don’t forget to wear them with socks.

Step 10: End all of your conversations with the word “peace”.

This list was compiled based on my experiences. What would you add to the list?

There is no way I could be a hippie. I don’t even like granola. And now that I have the list, I know what NOT to do.

I drive fast. I take chances. Everyday.

And today I got busted. Again. There were two other times in 2009. Each happened within a month of the other. In fact, the second time I got pulled over in 2009 was when I was on my way to traffic school as punishment for the first time.

2009

January 30, 2010

Before I drove a Mercedes, I ALWAYS talked my way out of tickets.

I was tested today. Using my best charm with the very handsome highway patrol officer, I tried my hardest to get out of this ticket. We talked about our kids. He shared where he grew up and what his dad did for a living. And we giggled about turning on the passenger seat heaters when we have an unsuspecting passenger. He does it too!

But it all ended with him doing the unthinkable (in my mind). Of course, I batted my eyes and asked him to not give me a ticket. He laughed. A little too hard. And said, “Well, I already gave away all my warnings this morning. But I’ll be gentle.”

Bam. He slapped me with a speeding ticket. Of course, he only put it as 10 mph over the speed limit. I was going significantly over that. And by significantly, I mean 23 mph over. Then he started to tell me about what to do (i.e. call this number but you must wait…), but quickly stopped the explanation, told me that I should know how to do this after mentioning all my other speeding ticket experiences in 2009 and then told me to slow down.

So here I am. Wondering if I should get a car that is harder to speed in. Any suggestions?

I’ve listed some stresses in my life. They are bold. Both figuratively and literally.

(Key for this post…Stresser: Subsequent Upside)

Wearing tights, nylons and other restrictive shit to work since the weather turned cold: control top.

Commute to work was slowed down by dumb slow drivers in the fast lane: I was prevented from getting a speeding ticket.

Cost of Botox is crazy ridiculous: There is no evidence (through wrinkles lines) that the cost stressed me out.

I have severe pressure at work with deadlines and projects: This one never gets old. I HAVE A JOB. Too many people forget that one.

Mail for my live in ex-boyfriend keeps getting delivered to my house  (he hasn’t lived here for years): The articles in Maxim are actually interesting.

I got the card from my dentist to schedule a cleaning: I have teeth. They help make a smile look so much better.

I’m nursing a mild sleep deprived wine hangover: I enjoyed every sip of wine.

Fucked up sleeping patterns: Some people are used to a 1/2 hour intermission at the theatre to get refreshed. I get 1-2 hour blocks in the middle of the night to toss and turn and watch bad tv. Double upside…I caught up on a few stupid reality shows.

I’m blowing through money to travel for friends’ events out of state: I have friends. And who needs money when you have friends?

Okay, back to focusing on all the good in life. Have a great day. And remember, there is ALWAYS an upside.

After several sips of bubbly I started brainstorming on what we should do with our day.  Again bubbly makes me happy so I thought I’d give Elle something that would make her happy. She’s been begging me for this for months.

So I said it. “Elle, let’s go get paint and redecorate your room today!” She squealed.

She picked the colors and the design. I bought the stuff. We both did the work.

Now I walk into her room to brighten my mood. The large polka dots are just like bubbles. They makes me smile. Maybe even more than champagne on Sundays or clean sheets on Sunday night. Okay, that might be a stretch. But I do love Elle’s new room.

There IS reason to be alarmed. I drove 18 miles on my commute to work in traffic AND I had a 5 minute conversation with an employee AND I had been returning work calls in my office beforehand. ALL WITHOUT COFFEE!

Crazy.

After several sips of coffee (and by sips I mean cups) I realized something more important.

I need to blog more. I’ve not made it a priority. There have been things going on in my life that I don’t want to share. They are far too personal. My work life always remains a guarded part of my online life and stuff going on there has kept me quiet over the last several weeks.

So here it is…my promise to you. I will blog more regularly.

Thanks for your patience. xo

Now off the grab another cup of my thinking juice.

Anyhow, something I’ve learned in life is sometimes you just have to ask. Oh that’s it…”just ask and you shall receive.”

So here it goes.

Anyone want to sponsor me for BlogHer 2010? And by sponsor I mean send me. It’s August 6-7, 2010 in New York City.

Last year I wanted to go to BlogHer 2009 in Chicago but I lost the opportunity because I procrastinated. That won’t happen this year. Nope. I have girlfriends going so I’m committed.

Here’s what it will take.

• Full conference pass for only $198. But wait, that’s not all. There’s more.
• Round trip ticket for me to NYC. It only makes sense that I fly first class, being sponsored and all. Plus it’s a bloody long flight from Salt Lake City to New York City and I need to be fresh when I arrive. Plus the free cocktails and food on the flight will help lessen the cost of food and drink once i arrive in NYC.
• A room at the hotel where BlogHer is held for two nights. This year it is at The Hilton New York. Rooms are only $199 per night. But again, as a sponsored guest, I think a suite or an executive level room is only fair. Plus I plan to have my girl friends up to my room to drink wine before every event. Including breakfast.
• Limo service to/from JFK to the hotel. This isn’t as expensive as you might think. And it beats a taxi cab that smells like vinyl, cigarettes and puke.
• Business cards to be designed and created in order to advertise the hell out of www.offthechest.net and Susan Mercedes. That’s how this stuff works, I think.

Optional sponsoring items:

• Spending money. NYC is expensive as hell. And a girl has to eat, drink wine, shop, go to museums and whatever else one does to spend money in a big city.
• Wardrobe money. This would need to be arranged prior to my trip. There are several events where I would be expected to look hot. New clothes always help.
• Additional nights on either end of the trip. It may be fun to make this a conference AND a vacation.

For all of your generosity and sponsorshipness, you’ll get several things in return: my love and gratitude, a plug on my blog (if you want), that warm fuzzy feeling one gets when they help others and a better blog to read after I learn lots of new blogging magic. All this stuff is golden.

And if you’re considering this honored sponsor role, I’m happy to chat with you at susanmercedes@offthechest.net. But act quickly, because I have to be booked before February 28th. I can’t afford a repeat of last year. Remember? I missed going. Because I procrastinated. We’ve only got about 7 weeks to plan this.

*fingers crossed*

I’ve been too busy mastering word games to blog. Don’t judge. This image always makes me smile.

Salt Lake City sunset from my deck. This also makes me smile.

No idea why I liked this picture of my legs. But I did. And it made me smile.

Darn it, I used words. That kinda messes up Wordless Wednesday. Oh well.

xo

I am one lucky fucker. I realize it everyday.

On Christmas morning, Elle always feels bad because she opens about one zillion gifts and I only have a few. I don’t mind. Because I feel blessed. Elle is so cute, she’ll sometimes ask me to help open her gifts so I have something to do besides watch her and smile and drink champagne. Don’t judge, it’s a holiday.

Well this year I decided to buy myself stuff. Frivilous stuff. Here’s what happened to be on my impromptu list:

• a case of sparkling wine – bubbly makes me smile

• two sexy pairs of 4″ pointy toed heels – my favorite shoe style
• a picture frame for my kitchen
• a wine key necklace – a local artist made it
• Botox – I realize this isn’t under the tree
• Other stuff that I wrapped weeks ago and forgot about – I like surprises too
• And whatever else I find between now and tomorrow morning.

So Merry fucking Christmas! I hope you enjoy this time with loved ones and champagne. I know I will.

I have high hopes for you. Monday totally let me down. Then kicked my ass.

Tuesday, I realize that you have a busy work day planned for me. I can handle that. But please don’t kick my ass like Monday did.

And you also give me hope. Having a 1.5 hour massage scheduled will help you seem less like an ass. And dinner with friends at my house tonight helps even more. And the best part about you Tuesday, my friends are cooking for me. I will do my part. And by my part, I mean open and pour wine. It’s what I’m good at. Oh, and eating.

Thanks for being gentle.

Much love,

Susan Mercedes

P.S. Please tell Monday that yesterday was Global Orgasm Day and I did my part. Sure, it was by myself. But it was epic. Thanks again for being so sweet.

xo

I had such high hopes for you. You were supposed to be the day I woke up NOT feeling hungover. WTF Monday?! You didn’t do your part. Again, I wake up, after only 4 hours of sleep, so tired and way too dried out. You know, dehydrated. From drinking.

Then when I get to work, you continue to kick my ass. Like seriously Monday, why can’t you be nice? This is getting old. You fuck me over, and from what I hear, there are lots of other people who would agree.

To make matters worse, the days before you are my favorite and always treat me well. Hell, Sunday provided non stop bubbly and two parties. Saturday gave me a fabulous day and night filled with friends, food and wine.

Monday you give me only one fucking thing…work. And a hangover. Of course, I had a lovely 2 hour lunch. But I’m not letting that fool me. You still want me to work for 8 hours. Fucker.

Please take the year of 2010 off. I can do without you.

Regards,

Susan Mercedes