I love fucking with cats. This cat is not mine. This is Critter. Critter is super old. He carries this stuffed toy around the house. Critter is a cool cat who clearly loves being fucked with.

He decides to go out at midnight. By out, I mean outside. However see below for his real plan.

I’m all, “Fuck you Tom Tom, I’m going to bed! Bastard!”

His response is best described by a witness:

Well, he never surprises me. He shows up at 4 am wanting to come back in. Yep, that fucktard cat is trained to tap his paw on my bedroom window. Which is like three fucking stories high. He’s a agile cat with great balance, even after being out drinking for the night.

Of course I get up and let him in. Then he does what he does best. Sleeps. All morning long.

Check out his little tongue. He’s dehydrated from all that beer.

I love this stupid fucktard of a cat. Don’t ask me why.

But you know what really pisses me off? Formatting pictures on this blog. I can’t seem to do it. Sorry. I’m done.

The smell of skunk is horrible. And hard to hone in on. For example, last night I couldn’t figure where it was coming from, however I kept smelling it. The only thing (besides me) that left my house and returned was my cat. That’s how I narrowed it down.

I threw him outside for the night. Him is my cat…Tommie. Don’t worry. He goes out all the time. My motive: I had a clean body and clean bed sheets I wanted to enjoy. It’s my Sunday night treat.

In order to be let in, Tommie taps on my bedroom window. He climbs on the roof, taps on the window, and peeks in until I get out of bed and let him in through the front door.

He did this at 5:30 am.

As soon as he came it, the smell of skunk returned. Thank goodness for my Twitter friends last night. They could feel my pain and even sent me remedies. The best source was a link to this site. If you have a pet who goes outside, I suggest you save this in your favorites right now.

At 5:30 am, before coffee and in my underwear, I bathed my cat in the kitchen sink. Stupid cat.

He was so mad. I’m convinced if he had a middle finger on that paw he would have flipped me off. In fact, he wouldn’t even look at me. Snob. Smelly, stupid, snobby and soaking wet cat!
Thankfully he is much less smelly now.

I had a vivid dream.

It was about me stressing about my blog. I was panicking about what topics to write about. I was thinking too much about scheduling posts. I was stressing that every post had to be about a topic I felt passionate about. The stress of it all was too much. I was contemplating closing up my blog for good. No more writing, no more stress.

In fact, it was so unsettling that in the dream I had an anxiety attack. I dreamt I was short of breath. I tried to calm myself down by breathing slowly. But I couldn’t catch my breath.

The shortness of breath actually woke me up.

And then it dawned on me.  In real life (versus dream world) my cat was sleeping near my face. I’m super allergic to him. I was actually having an asthma attack. One puff of my inhaler and I went back to sleep.

I think this was a subliminal message though. My cat would rather have me pet him then type on the keyboard. He really is a devil in disguise. Bastard cat.

CAT FOR SALE:

He received a beautiful Christmas gift (<~ click for proof) in 2008. It was a “How to train your kitty to use the toilet” Training Kit.  The gift was from me.  I mean really, who likes to clean the damn litter box? It’s a chore I hate so can you blame me? Plus I’m a mom. I’ve done this EXACT task before. I trained my kid to use the toilet when she was a toddler. Therefore I see no problem asking my cat to do this before he hits retirement age in human years. 

Well back to the fucktard…

Here’s what the ”How to train your kitty to use the toilet” Training Kit  looks like in stage two. Stage one does NOT have the hole it the middle. There’s another step…with a bigger hole which I would use IF MY CAT WASN’T A FUCKTARD. Did I mention that we dedicated a bathroom in my home to this cat too?

Now I must speak for my fucktard cat because he can’t. But based on his actions, I can confidently tell you he doesn’t like the hole in this contraption. 

He pawed me off (equivalent of flipping me off if he had fingers) and tried to punish me by using my new plush carpet and a house plant as his new litter box. I once read that one of the few things that deter cats is aluminum foil. So I’ve used this technique on my trouble spots as shown here:

But I don’t want to be THAT person. Kinda like the grandma who covers her stairs and couches in plastic. I don’t want to have a layer of aluminum foil covering my entire house.

Which brings me to my next question…

Anyone want a fucktard cat?

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the creation of this blog post although I did put him outside for an hour which was my way of grounding him.