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My Cat Wants Me to Quit Blogging
I rarely have dreams. Well technically I rarely remember the dreams I have. Last night was different.
I had a vivid dream.
It was about me stressing about my blog. I was panicking about what topics to write about. I was thinking too much about scheduling posts. I was stressing that every post had to be about a topic I felt passionate about. The stress of it all was too much. I was contemplating closing up my blog for good. No more writing, no more stress.
In fact, it was so unsettling that in the dream I had an anxiety attack. I dreamt I was short of breath. I tried to calm myself down by breathing slowly. But I couldn’t catch my breath.
The shortness of breath actually woke me up.
And then it dawned on me. In real life (versus dream world) my cat was sleeping near my face. I’m super allergic to him. I was actually having an asthma attack. One puff of my inhaler and I went back to sleep.
I think this was a subliminal message though. My cat would rather have me pet him then type on the keyboard. He really is a devil in disguise. Bastard cat.
Bastard Cat
He finally pushed me.
CAT FOR SALE:
He goes by Tom Tom, Tommie, Tom Tom Bomb, Thomas (in an angry voice), Tom and Kitten.
He’s a nice cat. Purrs loudly and frequently. He regulates his food intake. Likes to play with feathery toys and catch bouncy balls. He appreciates the outdoors and LOVES fresh birds and mice. He loves to bring the outdoors inside. By that I mean, bring fresh dead animals to his owner. Front nails must be trimmed regularly or he’ll scratch the shit out of you and your furniture.
He is litter box trained however toilet training was a complete FAILURE. His pee stinks. It stinks really bad even on my plush carpet. It also stinks and stains the bottom of silk curtains. But I suspect that his blood will stain my stuff worse. Trying to sell him before he is dead. Bastard cat.
He can’t be the smartest cat because he tried to cuddle with me last night. (This is after my entire house was urine soaked, or at least that is how it seemed.) I pushed him off the bed.
Cost: Whatever change is in your pocket plus I’ll throw in a full bag of cat food.
Use It or Lose It (By It, I Mean Home)
I have a cat who was once a stray cat. He is about 7 years old. That’s 49 in people years. Suddenly he became a fucktard. Yep. A stupid fucktard cat at the age of 49!
He received a beautiful Christmas gift (<~ click for proof) in 2008. It was a “How to train your kitty to use the toilet” Training Kit. The gift was from me. I mean really, who likes to clean the damn litter box? It’s a chore I hate so can you blame me? Plus I’m a mom. I’ve done this EXACT task before. I trained my kid to use the toilet when she was a toddler. Therefore I see no problem asking my cat to do this before he hits retirement age in human years.
Well back to the fucktard…
Here’s what the ”How to train your kitty to use the toilet” Training Kit looks like in stage two. Stage one does NOT have the hole it the middle. There’s another step…with a bigger hole which I would use IF MY CAT WASN’T A FUCKTARD. Did I mention that we dedicated a bathroom in my home to this cat too?
Now I must speak for my fucktard cat because he can’t. But based on his actions, I can confidently tell you he doesn’t like the hole in this contraption.
He pawed me off (equivalent of flipping me off if he had fingers) and tried to punish me by using my new plush carpet and a house plant as his new litter box. I once read that one of the few things that deter cats is aluminum foil. So I’ve used this technique on my trouble spots as shown here:
But I don’t want to be THAT person. Kinda like the grandma who covers her stairs and couches in plastic. I don’t want to have a layer of aluminum foil covering my entire house.
Which brings me to my next question…
Anyone want a fucktard cat?
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the creation of this blog post although I did put him outside for an hour which was my way of grounding him.