Photo courtesy of www.scientificamerican.com

Seriously I have succeeded in an unplanned new path! No, I’m not trying to trap a guy by getting pregnant. That’s not my thing. Mainly because my tummy is flat and I’d hate to stretch it out again.

I officially stand at a 100% success rate for successfully setting up people. I’m a matchmaker. I’m a human love connector. That shit deserves an award. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT PEOPLE! That’s epic.

Let me share a specific story to illustrate my success.

My dear friend (and waxer) was single 3 years ago. So was a guy I worked with. Both had been in other relationships prior. And I’d had known both for many years before that.

One day I had a brilliant idea. I’d set them up.

So we did it. Sight unseen. They both agreed to meet for a cocktail. I agreed to join them with another decoy…the boy’s best friend.

That was July 3rd, 2007.

Soon it will be July 3rd, 2010. And guess who will be getting married that day? They will. Adorable, right?

Here’s my secret. I only set up people who will hit it off for the long haul. And by people, I mean two very specific people. SO WHAT that this is the only couple I’ve ever set up! It worked. And I’m taking all the credit.

Maybe I’ll get a free wax job out of this. Do they call those things wax jobs? Boy does that sound like something worse.

I recently became aware of the People of Walmart website. Seriously, check it out if you need a laugh or want to be scared of people.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been there, but not often. I don’t love it or support their practices. However in the rare occasion I need to quickly pick up something, my experience with Walmart has been much different. I’ve never seen pimps, strippers, outrageous mullets, or toilet paper hanging out of someone’s pants there.

On the times I’ve been there, it always seems to have been on a Sunday night. And every time I have been approached and asked out. Every time! I imagine I was without makeup, wearing comfy clothes and sporting my normal casual/relaxed Sunday look. Not hot.

I would decline them nicely. Hell, I’m sure it’s hard enough asking out a complete stranger. My words would be something like this, “That’s so sweet of you. I’m flattered. But I have a boyfriend. Thanks for making my night though.” This would be said right before I bolted to the cashier. Often they were seemingly nice boys. But really, picking me up in Walmart? On one occasion I had to lose the guy. He wouldn’t leave me alone and take no as an answer. That is until I found a surefire way to lose a man. I went down the diaper aisle. It worked.

My Walmart days are over. It’s just too much work. Plus after seeing the People of Walmart website, I’m too frightened.

Ever go somewhere and NOT get recognized.  Uhm, yes! Unless you’re famous, I bet this happens all the time. It does for me anyhow. Sometimes this DOESN’T come in handy though.

I had a lunch date scheduled with a guy I had dated a few times. It was on a work day. He was instructed to pick me up outside of my office in a loading dock area off of the busy street. Did I mention that we had only dated a few times and were openly dating others?

When I walked out of the building at the scheduled pick up time I saw him waiting in the agreed upon pick up spot.  I noticed he wasn’t in the car he usually drove. Being a good dater, I didn’t even hesitate….assuming it belonged to his friend or another girl he was dating. It was a large Suburban type vehicle. 

As I opened the passenger door I noticed a kid’s car seat in the back. Again, assuming this car belonged to someone else, I continued without question.

Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: “Hi” [hoisting myself up on the passenger seat]

Him: “Hi” [hesitantly]

Me: [strapping on my seatbelt]

Him: “Uhm, who are you?”

Yep, I got in the wrong car. To make matters worse, this strange man was the husband of one of my employees. She walked out right at exact moment I realized my mistake.  She wondered what in the hell I was doing in her husband’s car. 

Then I looked behind us at the car that just pulled up. There was my date. He wondered what in the hell I was doing getting out of another man’s car right before our date.

Timing is everything. That day, mine was off.