I think I found the way to live life to the fullest. It involves Jello shots. In fact the entire plan revolves around them. Here’s how I’m doing it:

• Eat jello shots. Shut up, jello is food. In fact, jello shots are food and alcohol mixed.
• Carve cooking out of my life since I will skip all real food and replace it with Jello shots. This is helpful since I don’t cook.
• Have a constant buzz. Easy to do when I’m not eating real food.
• Enjoy long nails and healthy hair. Jello has gelatin in it which is great for nails and hair.
• Drop any extra weight. Hell, Jello shots are portion controlled. And I think I could even use sugar free which has no calories. Obviously I’d double up on the alcohol since I need calories to survive. Duh.
• I’d never be hungry. Mainly because I could eat anywhere since these little molds travel well.
• I’d be more environmentally friendly by never using my dishwasher. I wouldn’t be using any silverware or dishes. Just those little paper/plastic cups. Fine, I use the recycled ones.
• I will have a lot more disposable income since I won’t need to eat out anymore.

That's me passing out this life changing tidbit at a party. J-E-L-L-O shots!

Here I am after enjoying these tasty treats along with my partner in crime, @h0neyb (Melissa). We had too much fun!

(Second photo is really small and I have no idea why.)

Wino Wednesday…this weekly feature is designed to share my wine alcohol related stories.

Can I do without “it”? Can I survive without “it”? Can I live without “it”?

No more playing. No more fondling. No more fidgeting. No more countless hours spent pushing all the right buttons. I’d be left with a huge void in my life. I’d be without hours of entertainment.

But the answer is yes. I bet I can live without “it”.

The “it” refers to access to everything online. All personal online connections: Twitter, reading of blogs, Facebook, etc. It may even include NOT writing this blog.

It would be odd not to fondle my iPhone incessantly and play with my laptop at all hours. What will I do in the middle of the night when I wake up at 3 am?

Years ago when my husband and I separated, I stopped turning on the television when I was home. After months had passed of living in a quiet house in the evenings, it dawned on me…I had TONS of free time. This happened because I didn’t spend countless hours mindlessly channel surfing. I wasn’t distracted by this brainless activity.

Now my online activity has become my time waster.

I’d love to stop for a short period of time. But I’m frightened. This challenge seems harder than any other challenge, including my one week detox diet plan. At least when I suffer through the detox, I end up with a flat tummy and without cravings for sweets or carbs.

Back to the separation from personal online activity. Have you done it? Would you do it? For how long? Dare me to try?

Trainer: [yelling in my face] You only have a 16 more reps. Hold in your abs. Don’t lean back so far. [Then switched to sweet voice] Hey, I wanted to ask you something. Can you do me a favor?

Me: [breathless] Uhm, yes only if you make this pain stop.

Trainer: Nope, only 14 more to go.

Me: Does the favor involve me making our 1 hour sessions longer? If so, not a chance.

Trainer: No. [Her eyes roll back, probably at the thought of spending more time with me] Seriously though. Can you keep a food/drink log for 4 weeks? I’d like to use you as a case study in the college class I teach.

Me: A case study? Really? Are you thinking I’m super healthy and want to teach your students the ideal way their clients should live?

Trainer: Nine more. Chin up. Uh, no. I want them to evaluate your eating and drinking habits. And I know you’ll be honest.

Me: What’s in it for me?

Trainer: A full report and evaluation.

Me: Fuck. Sure.

I’m not a victim here.  I realize I agreed to this. But keeping a food and drink log is a giant pain in the ass. This includes itemizing all ingredients in the food I eat. I eat at restaurants all the time which makes this tricky. Plus, I have to own up to every ounce of wine I drink. And since I feature a weekly post on my blog for Wino Wednesday, I’m forced to drink so I have experiences that I blog about. Basically I drink for you.

Well, I did it. I did the favor for my trainer. I was hoping she’d hand over a pill to make me super toned. But she didn’t.

She told me that her class had a chance to review my log but she forgot to bring my report. Being impatient, I asked for a summary…

The general feedback: I drink too much [to meet the goals I set for myself, blah blah blah] and I need more vitamin D.

If I listen to them, I be forced to be SOBER and forced to sit in the sun for 20 minutes everyday. Fuck, they are students. What do they know? Nothing. Except they want me to die from cancer. The sun is dangerous. Skin cancer kills. And if I’m going to die that way, I want to be wasted drunk. All the time.

Dumb students.

Most people monitor their weight using the standard measures. They don’t work for me. Here’s why:

I monitor my weight but I’m forced to use untraditional methods since it is clear that the above approaches don’t work for my wise little big ass.

I have a dress. The dress isn’t made of stretchy material. It is fitted. And when I wear it to work I am forced to wear it all day long. So when it feels snug, I am required to face the truth. And the truth makes me do crazy things…like eat a salad for lunch.

Here’s the dress.
Disregard the sign on my ass.
If you must know, it is a reserved sign.

Okay, so most of us have experienced it. I say that partly because I don’t want to feel alone or like a dirty, smelly boy. Well, let me tell you…the same flavor comes bad after being under anesthesia for hours. It doesn’t matter how much I brush and floss, although I’ve have great dental hygiene this past year, the taste doesn’t disappear. Well at least not for a few weeks after surgery.

Enough of that. I’ve got a dinner party to cook for. Ughh, I hate to cook. However, I’m actually part of a great diet plan. People don’t tend to eat a lot of what I make. So I’m off to make people skinny. Yay to me!

3-14 Day Prep/Detox (all you can eat)

The purpose of this 3 day preparation is to chemically adjust the body into a high metabolic burn, along with detoxifying the body by flushing out toxins and excess water storage. This is a 3-day all you can eat diet. The more you eat the more you lose!

All the MEATyou can Eat! (except for pork, damnit)

(No Breading or Sauces) Learn to flavor your food by seasoning it!

BEEF                             LAMB                                        TURKEY

CHICKEN                        LIVER                                        SHELLFISH (water packed)

FISH                             TUNA (water packed)                 VEAL

All the RAW GREEN SALAD VEGETABLES you can eat! (no peas!)

·         Two oranges per day – one as the AM snack and one as the afternoon Snack

(if citrus sensitive, substitute 1/8 cantaloupe per orange)

·         ¼ tsp. of Morton’s Lite Salt per day

·         Two eggs (cooked any way you want to, eaten within an hour of waking up)

You may use butter or Olive Oil in preparing your foods. Use Olive oil and vinegar or a low calorie Italian salad dressing on your salads.  Absolutely No Other Foods Are Allowed During the next 3 days. ***No Peas, Bread, Pasta, Milk, Cheese or Condiments (Mayonnaise, Mustard, Catsup, or sauces). No fruit or fruit juices except as modified!  A full menu will be added after these three days.

YOU MUST DRINK A MINIMUM OF SIX 8oz. GLASSES OF WATER/DAY

Space your water throughout the day.  You may also drink the following beverages in addition to your water each day.

Two cups of coffee or tea are permitted or four cups of decaf

NO SUGAR OR CREAM, Use liquid Protein instead

Unlimited amounts of: Fresh Hot Lemon Water or Herbal Tea

The above drink acts as a natural diuretic to relieve a “full” or “bloated” feeling.

Any seasoning may be used to enhance the taste of food, as long as it

CONTAINS NO SUGAR OR SALT.

**If you are coming off of Soda Pop,

Substitute the Soda with caffeinated Green Tea or H20 Zip mixed with a Protein Drink.

DO NOT STOP caffeine cold turkey or you will get sick!

It is the carbonation, sugar & starches you must stop immediately to make this work!

CARBOHYDRATE WITHDRAWAL

HEADACHE – add one orange or 1/8 cantaloupe followed by a protein

DIZZINESS or ringing in the ear – Use Emergen-C (3 pkts/day.. am, noon and 3pm)

CRAMPING – increase Morton’s Lite Salt to ½ tsp

First, there’s no alcohol.  Sure, my liver loves this break but my “relaxation habit” will be missed.  Although I’m a donor…I’m certain my liver won’t EVER get reused. Second, there’s no salt or seasoning allowed.  But since I don’t cook I’m not convinced I appreciate or will miss this detail. There’s no sugar or processed carbs allowed either.

Rather than dwell on what isn’t allowed.  I’ll share my menu:

Breakfast: 2 hard boiled eggs

AM snack: 1 orange

Lunch: lean protein & raw veggies

PM snack: 1 orange

Dinner: lean protein & raw veggies

All day & night: WATER!

After the detox, sugar or carbs won’t appeal to me. With the exception of wine. That always appeals. I’m off to the grocery store where I’ll buy crab legs, deli meat, chicken breasts, salmon and tons of raw veggies.  I intend to splurge at the store since I won’t be depleting any of my wine stash for the next 3-5 days.