• Ex = my ex-husband, although this story takes place before he was an ex
• Elle = our baby in this story who is now our 10 year old daughter

When I was pregnant with Elle, I ate ice cream and french fries every day! Shut up, my body was craving ice cream for the calcium. I can’t explain the fries, except I love them. Needless to say, I gained 60 pounds by the end of my pregnancy. I was huge!

After I got Elle out of my body, the 60 pounds didn’t go with her. Nope. Most of them stayed with me. Well at least 45 of them did.

45 lbs! That’s a lot on my 5′4′ frame. Technically I’m 5′3.75″. Anyhow I was large.

Ex loved to take pictures and video. He was the one who took snapshots throughout our courtship, marriage, special occasions like birthdays and of course tons of our child.

When Elle was somewhere between 6 – 12 months old (I’m terrible at remembering these things…yes, I’m *that* mom), she got a cute pair of tiny yellow rubber rain boots as a gift. I put Elle in her crib along with her new yellow rain boots. Her little feet were too tiny to keep them on, but they were adorable so we kept trying.

Ex began to film the event. I stood behind him. Mostly because I was in a moo moo nightie, had unbrushed hair, and was wearing my horribly unstylish glasses. Fuck, I was married. Oh, and fat. Really fat.

Ex was commenting about the event as the video camera panned across the crib area. I heard such things as, “Look at our cutie.” “Elle, look at the camera.” “Hi love.” “Sweet girl.” and whatever else doting dads say to their 6-12 month olds.

Elle reached down to one yellow boot and moved it towards her foot. Don’t get excited. She wasn’t advanced enough to slip those things on.

Well Ex noticed her actions. In his cute British accent like any proud dad, he said, “Elle, are you putting on your new wellies?” Ex continued to comment as he panned the room with the video camera saying next, “You’re such a big girl.” He was so proud that Elle was trying to put on those cute yellow rain boots.

Months later we watched the video. The timing was odd. Ex clearly said, “You’re such a big girl” while the camera was on me. He meant the comment for Elle. But no, I was in the frame. Me! Who, again, looked like ass. And a fat one no less.

Lessons here: Never let a man multi task if it involves commenting and video recording.

Smaller lessons: Never wear large sleepwear, it makes you look larger. Never be on camera without at least brushing hair and putting in contacts. Never wait 6-12 months after baby to start a diet and exercise program. Never put those stupid baby borders up in a nursery. I did and it looked stupid. Okay the baby border lesson was unrelated to the story but it was a lesson I wanted to share nonetheless.

Stresser: Subsequent Upside

Boobs seemed to have grown a size overnight causing my standard black dress to be snug on top: Makes my waist look super tiny.

Forgot to eat breakfast: Eating Cheetos for breakfast totally guilt free. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and that’s all I had in my office.

Rush to get out the door today: See above upside.

My to-do list at work is HUGE and growing: I have a job.

Need to respond to an email my ex sent me: He’s my ex.

I have a business lunch I’m not prepared for: It’s an expensed lunch.

Cancelled my session with my trainer tonight: Booked a 90 minute massage instead.

My feet hurt in my heels as soon as I put them on, but only when I walk: I have feet and I can walk (yay, two upsides!).

Worried that eating all these Cheetos will make me fat: I can blame the person who gave them to me as a gift. And call him a bastard for making me fat.

Enough. I’ve go plenty to be happy about. If I keep telling myself that, my mood will change, right? Maybe I’ll just quietly get through the day and come back tomorrow all fucking happy.

Carry on with your day people. Hugs and love and all that shit!

Dear Ex,

This letter is meant to give some insight on why you were so important to me. You made a lasting impression and although our relationship ended years ago, thoughts of you still cross my mind. Thoughts of why you were special to me. You’re a dear man. You were a great partner for me. Thank you.

You had amazing talent in the kitchen. You were a great provider. You were a great roommate. You were a fabulous traveling companion. You were a caring lover. You were an unbelievably loving other half.

Thank you for your dedication during our time together. Thank you for teaching me what it felt like to be adored. Thank you for helping me feel settled enough to begin my career and allow it to take off. Thank you for showing me how to pamper myself. Thank you for sharing the finer things in life with me.

Our relationship didn’t last. It wasn’t meant to. The reasons for the ending are no longer important. So much time has passed. I wish you the best in life. I want you to be happy.

Love,

Susan

Getting nasty text messages from the above mentioned man is sad. Sad for him. Life is too short to harbor anger. Call me naive. Call me crazy. People who spend energy hating will never find true happiness in their own life. They will not be able to move forward. Closure. It is more than what they do on freeway onramps during construction. It is moving on. And it’s empowering.

He’s a smoker and his smoking zone at my house has always been outside. Today I discovered the self made ashtray that got him through this winter.  There were twenty butts on my grass.  Not butts like asses, because that might be hot.

I kindly mentioned to him that his litter is what I’m left with from our break-up. Knowing him, he’ll collect his butts and tidy up my grass before I have a chance to slap a anti-litter bumper sticker on his car. You see I’m from Texas and therefore have unlimited access to “Don’t Mess with Texas” stickers.