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I Am Driven…By Someone Else
My trainer told me I’m going to die.
Well, she didn’t say die but she did mention osteoporosis. And being all bent over because your bones won’t stand up is as bad as being dead. Nobody likes bad posture, it is just not slimming.
She told me I need more calcium in my diet. I defended myself by saying that’s why I order cheese on my burger. She rolled her eyes.
She told me I need to work out more. I rolled my eyes and explained how exhausting it was already to do a few days each week with her. She agreed (that I’m exhausting!).
She told me that my calorie intake is perfect BUT 30% of my calories are super bad and come from wine and alcohol. I reminded her that I skip dinner in order to accomplish this. She should be proud, right?
She told me to quit complaining and just do the work out. I told her I was bored. She is meeting me at the park today, instead of the gym, to change our scenery.
My trainer has driven me to: stand up straight, order cheese on my burgers, work out only when I’m with her, skip dinner and drink alcohol, go to the park.
She’s the best driver in my life!
Vodka Helps Me Run
I’m doing a 5K today. I signed up for two reasons. One, my friend Sarah was doing it. Two, I like to train for these competitive events.
As it turns out, Sarah is the only reason I did it. That bitch better feel special. I didn’t train at all.
Except the night before the 5K. I did some prep and training then. Specifically the carb loading technique that runners do.
Just to be clear, vodka and greasy bar food are carbs. Right? I sure as hell hope so. I needed to catch up on my training and really focus the night before. Shit, I want to win. And by win, I mean finish without throwing up.
And they are serving bagels, fruit and ice cream afterwards. It appears that athletes need to carb load afterwards too. I’m all about doing this training right.
So here’s to competitive 5K training and a doing it with good friends.
Wide is Better
This is why I like it wide…
Not my ass. My television. Wide screen TVs are best when you’re doing an exercise video. Even the skinny bitches, who are working my ass off, look fat.
