Photo courtesy of www.scientificamerican.com

Seriously I have succeeded in an unplanned new path! No, I’m not trying to trap a guy by getting pregnant. That’s not my thing. Mainly because my tummy is flat and I’d hate to stretch it out again.

I officially stand at a 100% success rate for successfully setting up people. I’m a matchmaker. I’m a human love connector. That shit deserves an award. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT PEOPLE! That’s epic.

Let me share a specific story to illustrate my success.

My dear friend (and waxer) was single 3 years ago. So was a guy I worked with. Both had been in other relationships prior. And I’d had known both for many years before that.

One day I had a brilliant idea. I’d set them up.

So we did it. Sight unseen. They both agreed to meet for a cocktail. I agreed to join them with another decoy…the boy’s best friend.

That was July 3rd, 2007.

Soon it will be July 3rd, 2010. And guess who will be getting married that day? They will. Adorable, right?

Here’s my secret. I only set up people who will hit it off for the long haul. And by people, I mean two very specific people. SO WHAT that this is the only couple I’ve ever set up! It worked. And I’m taking all the credit.

Maybe I’ll get a free wax job out of this. Do they call those things wax jobs? Boy does that sound like something worse.

Elle said, “We were all just talking and hanging out in Dan’s room.”

My jaw dropped. “Elle! You are not supposed to hang out in a boy’s room!”

She was quick to respond, “Mom, don’t worry. It was clean.”

God, I love that kid. She is so very innocent.

I wonder if she’s mine.

I spent an entire evening flying on an airplane. In coach class. I’m not complaining because I think it was the most “feel good” flight I had. Why? Well let me tell you:

1. I discovered and watched a great movie…Bottle Shock. This made #2 on my list so enjoyable. By the way, if you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s *that* good and based on a true story.
2. I had someone bringing me wine. So what that she charged me $7 for every mini bottle of the cheap juice. It tasted so good. That’s mostly because of #1 on my list.
3. My MacBook Pro battery life lasts forever. And by forever, I mean for a long time. I love that machine.
4. I bumped into a Salt Lake City friend as I ran onto the plane. Literally. I was very late and the last one to board. She was in first class. Bitch. (Not really, she’s a doll.)
5. I had wifi onboard. Crazy being in touch with people thousands of feet below you.
6. There was an empty seat next to me. My petite 5′4″ frame totally needs the space. Okay really, all the shit I was lugging around needed the space.

After this flight, I felt rejuvenated and refreshed. It was amazing. Of course, that could have been the wine helping my heart be so happy. Don’t argue…RED WINE IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEART!

Wino Wednesday…this weekly feature is designed to share my wine alcohol related stories.

Considering it’s the last day of summer it seems perfectly fitting that I spent part of the day with a girlfriend named Summer. We went to brunch at a great well known restaurant up one of the canyons here in Salt Lake City. This restaurant, Ruth’s Diner, is known for it’s fabulous patio seating.

So here we are. Enjoying the most perfect patio. Having the most perfect Bloody Mary. With the most perfect company. And with perfectly hungry tummies. We were starving!

And neither of us can decide what we want to order. Thank god for Ruth’s menu options. They identify the favorites with a pink flamingo icon next to the menu item. We were both indecisive about two items, both listed as Ruth’s Diner favorites, so we decided to split them. And that’s what made brunch today the most perfect ever.

Having lunch with a friend who will split their food makes me smile.

Oh, and ignore the cheese on the hash browns. I like to go healthy and women totally need calcium and “healthy” fat. Trust me, Summer’s boyfriend is a trainer and so she totally knows what to order.

And this may be the end of summer but I guarantee it won’t be the end of hanging out with Summer. That girl is amazing. And fun. And super sweet.

I host a crawfish party every year with two other people. We, the hosts, all live in Utah now but grew up in states where crawfish were prevalent.

Susan & Paul & Donna

Donna, a dear friend, is from Mississippi. It comes in handy to know that little song (M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I) when you have to spell that state. Donna is kind enough to have the party in her amazing backyard each year. We spend our evening under a fully grown beautiful sycamore tree. We even have lights strung up on it. We even had a guest climb up the tree. He is an attorney so we were worried that he’d fall out and sue our asses.

Paul, the token man host, is from Louisiana. When hosting a large party with lots of manly tasks, it is always wise to include a man with brawn on the team. It doesn’t hurt that he played football at LSU all through college. He taps the keg. He carries the filled coolers. He moves around the propane tanks. He does all the cooking.

Then there is me. I grew up in Texas. That’s all. I’m useless. But I often take pictures with people who wear cowboy hats.

We cook crawfish, potatoes, corn, onions and garlic. (By “we” I mean Paul) After they are cooked, we dump them out on the table. And people dig in. And this year the crawfish (aka mudbugs & crawdads) were huge this year. We get them flown in live from Louisiana every year.

Well the party was a huge hit again this year. We are already taking notes for next year. If you want an invite…comment on this post.

I was meeting up with some friends. I arrived first. Naturally I sat at the bar. Alone. And ordered a glass of white wine. The bar was empty. The restaurant had people filtering in which required them to walk past me. Yeah, did I mention I was alone in the bar? Sipping on my wine. Groups of people.  Mostly men. Probably on expense accounts. Yeah, it was that kind of place. High end, fancy place you go to on special occasions or when you’re on an expense account.

I couldn’t help myself. I said to the bartender, “God I wish my friends would hurry and get here. I feel like a high class call girl.” Sadly that was the truth.

Moments later they finally arrived. 

And the first comment was, “Oh my god, you totally look like Samantha from Sex and the City sitting here at the bar.”

My point exactly.

Wino Wednesday…this weekly feature is designed to share my wine related stories.

My pick would be champagne (technically sparkling wine). It’s crisp, refreshing, sparkly and goes with EVERYTHING. By everything, I mean breakfast, lunch, dinner, casual events, fancy gatherings, indoors, outdoors, etc.  You get the idea. I’ve even been known to drink it with pizza. 

To make this versatile beverage even better, add a few girlfriends on my deck to enjoy a sunny afternoon. This is exactly what I did. First though, I had a very clear message for my friends.  I needed their commitment. I had a magnum bottle of bubbly stored in my wine fridge that I was dying to open. This bottle is the equivalent of two regular sized bottles of bubbly. Once you pop it, you can’t stop it. It must be finished. They promised they were committed.

Once the bubbly was poured it didn’t take long for our chatty asses to kick in to high speed. Bubbly makes people happy. It makes us chatty. It enhances my ADD tendencies. We jumped around covering every conversation topic within the first 3 minutes. (I lied…three minutes is an exaggeration.) 

Several sips later and the discussion took a dive. Not to a negative place. But to a deep level. An intense discussion. And my bubble popped! We talked about heavy subjects such as failed relationships and love lost. When I say we talked, I really mean I listened. Our conversation turned into more of a whiskey discussion.  In fact, I would have imagined listening to country lyrics in a dark bar while smoking with the topics we covered. 

Lesson learned: Popping a bottle of bubbly definitely deserves a commitment to finish it. Additionally champagne commitments should only include light, fun conversations. 

That lesson probably explains why I would pick bubbly as my beverage of choice if I had to pick only one to enjoy for the rest of my life. I’m most comfortable living my life in a fun, light, chatty way.

What would you pick? Why?

Cheers!

Wino Wednesday…this weekly feature is designed to share my wine related stories.

Me (to waiter): I’ll have a glass of chardonnay

Friend (to waiter): Me too.

Me (to friend): Maybe we should get a bottle. They are the small bottles.

Friend: Sounds like a good idea.

Me (to waiter): Make it a bottle of wine.

When the waiter brought the bottle of wine, my friend and I continued our conversation.

Friend: You said it was a “small bottle”. That is a regular size wine bottle.

Me: It’s mini small compared to the magnum bottles I buy.

Meanwhile the waiter was taking out the cork. I noticed he pulled out the cork and put it in the palm of his hand. And then he put the corkscrew back in the bottle and kept pulling a cork.

I was thinking he was an idiot. Seriously, if you’re in the service industry you should be able to pull a cork out in one piece. I was also thinking he was a maniac, because the corks used for this wine are plastic and IMPOSSIBLE to break.  Clearly he managed to break it. Nutty server.

Then he confessed that he wasn’t an idiot. I wasn’t willing to believe him until he showed me proof. 

This wine had 1 1/2 corks in it. We took pictures to prove it. It’s something I’ve never seen before. Considering the amount of wine I drink, this is clearly super unusual!

However, there are only two ways to communicate which I define as snorkeling and scuba diving.

Snorkeling involves light conversations that skim the service. Snorkelers often have brief, upbeat discussions with very little depth.  The topics are covered in lightening speed and often involve such things as the weather, cute outfits, menu items, weekend plans, to do list items, etc. Snorkelers can do it in large groups or in a more intimate setting.

Scuba diving involve deep dive discussions. The pace of these discussions are usually much slower than snorkeling. Although they are often discussed with much more passion and conviction. Topics may include politics, purpose in life, repeated relationship failures, etc. The topics would generally hit the core of our being. Scuba diving discussions are generally conducted between two people.

I’m a snorkeler. I skim the surface. I cover one zillion topics if we engage in a discussion. Occasionally I scuba dive. This can be exhausting to me. The topics are more serious and can be stressful. But there is much more satisfaction when you connect with another person on a deeper level.

What is your preference…a snorkel or a scuba dive?

The signs in the photo deserve a brief explanation. The cut-out “t” is the symbol for twitter. The “@” sign is placed in front of all online user names. Obviously, SL,UT stands for Salt Lake City, Utah. It also describes those who have loose moral standards and are promiscuous.  I will not identify those people in this photo.

‟Twitter Friends”

(l to r) Amy/@RedDuchess, me!/@susanmercedes, Brett/@latent_image,
Gigi/@dizzlepop, Laura/@lgoulding, Robyn/@photogirl66
(picture courtesy of Peter/@TheB0y who refuses to be in them) 

Anyhow, back to the picture. Please notice how everyone is cracking up. Well, everyone except me who is innocently posing for a group photo to make freaking memories. I don’t get it. Those giggling devils.

I spend two hours watching fun presentations at #igniteSLC. It was a great event especially for those of us with ADD. We zipped through many presentations on many different topics while the slide show raced and the presenters made us laugh. I visited with lots of old friends and met many new friends.

Then I moved fast and went to a local pub in Salt Lake City, Utah…Piper Down. There was a The Underground Comedy Troupe featuring 5 stand-up comedians. Again more laughs for the evening. During the comedy show, we learned that a friend who left moments before was pulled over and given a field sobriety test and a breathalyzer.  She blew a zero.  Yeah, @kittygutz! That’s the best test to fail. I mean, get no points.

Apparently not everyone had such a pure night.

On my clearheaded drive home at 12:30 am I approached a car at a red light. And then boom. I glanced over at a fellow late night driver and I was blessed with a view.

It was 20 degrees outside, the windows are down and this girl is puking her heart out. I got a great seat for that event. Yuck. This is precisely when drinking is a waste of money.

I attended my second #SMCSLC event last night and am still smiling. The information was helpful, useful, and entertaining. I could recap the evening covering the open mic topics and reviewing new tips and tidbits shared. But that’s not me.

The real stuff to report is from the “social” standpoint.

• In real life: This group is a great way to meet people you’ve become acquainted with online. It’s fun to meet people in real life. Even better to do it after you gotten to know them online first. We even started with a smaller group gathering at the pub next door before the event!

• Signage: Not only do you get a name tag, but you can also get a reserved butt sign if you talk to the right people. I was quick to get my tags on. Other tag is located near my other best asset.

• Electronic Devices: The room is filled with iPhones (I’m sure there were other technical gadgets present but those are invisible to me). Everyone has one and uses it. It is a proven fact (source unknown/made up) that activity with an iPhone is directly correlated with interest in the program.  Therefore the higher the iPhone distractions, the higher the interest in the event. After looking around the crowd, the event was a huge success!

• Crowd: They (geeks) come in all different forms. Men, women, tall, short, quiet, chatty, on Twitter.com (with the exception of the two that don’t – gasp!). No surprise that the room is filled with geeks. Some take it a step further and have their laptops out. Generally geeks are shy and hide behind their computer. This group condones this behavior and in fact, encourages it. They are also like a group of boy scouts…always prepared! My iPhone battery was running low and it took two seconds to find an attendee who had a power supply I could borrow. Bam. You ask. You receive. At least in this crowd. 
• Food: They had it. Cookies, pickles, olives, meatball, bread, sodas, water, etc. But let me tell you…three meatballs (off of someone else’s plate) DOES NOT constitute a proper dinner. 
• Prizes: WooHoo! Who doesn’t love to win? If you raised your hand, you’re lying.  And you’re weird. Which reminds me…I WON! Well technically my waxer won since I used our appointment card for the drawing. (I forgot to bring my own business cards.) But she wasn’t there and I’m not telling her. My prize is for one microdermabrasion treatment compliments of Mountain Medical Vein Center. True testimonial: a #SMCSLC attendee (the cutie holding the mic) looks at least 150 years younger because of the treatments she received at the center last week.

It is clear.   The night was a complete success. I met new friends and saw old ones, I won a prize, my ass was reserved, I ate meatballs & I charged my iPhone. Now you should understand why I’m still smiling.

Back to the party. I do them well. I mingle. I chat. It’s where I thrive. Plus I wore a hot little dress that makes me smile. Towards the end of the evening (translates to consumption of lots of alcohol) I was pulled aside to meet another group of people. This group happened to be a small group of men. Not small in size, they were regular sized men. We were all making idle chit chat about the weather, the party, the cute engaged couple, living in other cities, traveling, whatever. Then out of the blue one man blurted out (directly to me) “I’m married.”  This comment was so out of place and odd that it felt like time stopped and the room got super quiet.  I responded with, “I’m single.” I could have added, “dumbass” but it didn’t go with my dress. 

So my question is this..

Why did he say it?

The only explanation I can come up with is this.  He heard me say, “Can you unzip my dress?” when I really said something like “Canoe near Madras?”. Although I’m certain that canoeing never came up in conversation or it would have been my cue to excuse myself to grab another glass of wine.

His mom passed away,
she left him here.
To get through life
without her near.

He is blessed with love
to give and to get,
why his mom watches over
and he’ll never forget.

The memories they have
are all he’s got left.
But luckily he knows
he’s loved by those he’s met.

Hugs to you my dear friend. I’m thinking of you today.