Comment by Becky:
Thursday, November 5th 2009 at 8:23 am Edit

Are you STILL hungover? Come back! I decided I’m no longer a fan of this “break” thing.

And just for the record…NO, I am not still hungover.

To be honest, blogging started to feel more like a chore. I decided to focus on real life fun instead. It worked. I’m having lots of fun and am in a really good place. But I miss you guys.

Expect me to post more regularly now.

Thanks Becky…and although we’ve never met in person, I adore you. Thanks for the inspiring comment that made me smile.

To all my other readers: THANK YOU for all of your support. It makes me love your guts. (Ewwww, that’s kind of gross.)

Lots of xo’s!!!

See you soon.

I like the sun.

I like the beach.

I like a good view.

I like friends who cut off my head.

The end.

And for those who care, we shot 2 under par and we played 9 holes at Old Mill Golf Course.

My dinner on  Saturday night:

And while spaghetti may seem elementary, the sauce was made from scratch. Elle, my 10 year old, and I experimented instead doing the usual…popping open a jar of vodka sauce.

It was good. It involved sauteed onions and garlic, Italian seasoning, a can of tomato sauce, tomato paste, cream cheese, beef broth and milk. The last few ingredients were in an attempt to save what we started. And it worked.

Honestly, it sucked at first so we scrambled to find ingredients in the house to use. (Side note: I need to go to the grocery store. We had very few options to throw in.) And by sucked I mean it tasted like Chef Boyardee Spaghetti O’s. Elle was smart enough to be resourceful and read the ingredients in our jarred sauce to think of ideas. Without her, I’d starve get sick of apples and peanut butter.

So don’t go sending me fancy cookbooks. I’m not ready for that step. Plus after eating in so much this weekend, I’m ready to explore the restaurant scene again. Clearly that means, “Watch out Porcupine, here we come!”

Upside: Cooking with Elle was fun. I’d categorized that as some good quality time together.

You know why?

Because I can’t think of something that makes me happier than hearing the authentic laughter of a kid. In this case, mine, Elle.

This morning she woke up and came into my bed like she usually does. We started a tickle fight. And by we, I mean Elle. As a ten year old she loves to test me. “Mom, does it tickle when I do this?” as she lightly scratches the palm of my hand or reaches for under my neck.

And of course, I’m totally grateful to be stronger. Because I hate to be tickled. But even the few tickles she got in were totally worth it. I mean, hearing that guttural laugh reminds me of being a kid. Totally carefree and happy.

Elle even managed to get a picture of my mouth smile during our tickle fest. Well she got two shots but the first one was of my boob (“covered” by a nightie) and that sure as hell isn’t getting posted.

So here’s to today. I’m going to act like a kid and laugh authentically…hard and from the gut.

Anyhow on my recent trip to Texas, my mom did so many things that made me laugh….

at her. Not with her.

Mumsie - July 4, 2009

But I told her. So when she reads this, she may smile. Or take me out of her will. But whatever, she knows I love her more than any other mom. She’s my favorite!

So here are a few things that made me laugh:

• She called my cell right after we landed but before we got to the gate to let me know there was a bathroom right outside my gate by baggage claim. Because I probably needed to use it. My rebellious side surfaced…so I held it. And waited until we got to the restaurant for lunch. Damn her, she was quick to point out that restroom too.
• Before I jumped into the shower my first morning there, she explained that the shampoo was on the left and the conditioner was on the right. Keep in mind, these were ordinary labeled shampoo and conditioner bottles. And I’m 37 years old and quite literate.
• She apologized for slowing down on the freeway. I asked why she was sorry. She replied, “Well, I had to slow down because all these zippy little cars near me were driving crazy.” Actually they were going the speed limit and driving along in their own lane. My new favorite phrase…”zippy”.
• She wears lipstick on her teeth. And she’s just like me. Wait, I’m just like her. We always wear lipstick. I try to keep it off my teeth since that distracts from the piece of spinach or whatever else I’m sporting for the day.
• She is so quick with everything. She takes showers without getting wet (it seems). She wears swimsuits under her clothes, just in case. She cooks everything on high. Yet another skill I got from her…cooking.
• She gets along with everyone. Including my dad and his wife of 15 years. Mom and dad divorced 35 years ago. And she hung out at his house all weekend long like they were old acquaintances. She has a talent.

Damn, I love that lady! She always makes me smile and laugh. And love. And now with all this material, you’re now stocked with “your mom” jokes for a while. I’m nice like that. Got that from her.

Don’t…

run around the pool or boat dock. It’s slippery as shit and you will fall. Mom was always right when she shouted that order.

think only putting sunscreen on your face, shoulders and chest will stop you from get too much sun on your arms and back.

make fun of having white wine poured over ice. It’s freaking hot in Texas and it’s the only way to keep it chilled.

think you can eat three hot dogs in a day and not feel fat later. Sure the hot dogs were eaten along with cake, chips, pastries and plenty of wine. But I still think it’s those tubular meat things that put me my waistline over the edge.

think you can go tubing behind the boat and not get your hair wet. Nope. Impossible. Soaking wet was the result.

take family and friends for granted. One day they won’t be here to spend time with us. Relish every moment. And tell them you love them.

]]> http://www.offthechest.net/2009/07/05/just-dont/feed/ 2 http://www.offthechest.net/2009/04/10/funny-friday-list/ http://www.offthechest.net/2009/04/10/funny-friday-list/#comments Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:29:04 +0000 Susan Mercedes http://www.offthechest.net/?p=1357 Here’s another one of my funny lists. And when I say funny, I mean they are funny to me.  Hope you enjoy them along with a side of fries and some diet water.

And my very favorite:

Happy Friday!

I attended my second #SMCSLC event last night and am still smiling. The information was helpful, useful, and entertaining. I could recap the evening covering the open mic topics and reviewing new tips and tidbits shared. But that’s not me.

The real stuff to report is from the “social” standpoint.

• In real life: This group is a great way to meet people you’ve become acquainted with online. It’s fun to meet people in real life. Even better to do it after you gotten to know them online first. We even started with a smaller group gathering at the pub next door before the event!

• Signage: Not only do you get a name tag, but you can also get a reserved butt sign if you talk to the right people. I was quick to get my tags on. Other tag is located near my other best asset.

• Electronic Devices: The room is filled with iPhones (I’m sure there were other technical gadgets present but those are invisible to me). Everyone has one and uses it. It is a proven fact (source unknown/made up) that activity with an iPhone is directly correlated with interest in the program.  Therefore the higher the iPhone distractions, the higher the interest in the event. After looking around the crowd, the event was a huge success!

• Crowd: They (geeks) come in all different forms. Men, women, tall, short, quiet, chatty, on Twitter.com (with the exception of the two that don’t – gasp!). No surprise that the room is filled with geeks. Some take it a step further and have their laptops out. Generally geeks are shy and hide behind their computer. This group condones this behavior and in fact, encourages it. They are also like a group of boy scouts…always prepared! My iPhone battery was running low and it took two seconds to find an attendee who had a power supply I could borrow. Bam. You ask. You receive. At least in this crowd. 
• Food: They had it. Cookies, pickles, olives, meatball, bread, sodas, water, etc. But let me tell you…three meatballs (off of someone else’s plate) DOES NOT constitute a proper dinner. 
• Prizes: WooHoo! Who doesn’t love to win? If you raised your hand, you’re lying.  And you’re weird. Which reminds me…I WON! Well technically my waxer won since I used our appointment card for the drawing. (I forgot to bring my own business cards.) But she wasn’t there and I’m not telling her. My prize is for one microdermabrasion treatment compliments of Mountain Medical Vein Center. True testimonial: a #SMCSLC attendee (the cutie holding the mic) looks at least 150 years younger because of the treatments she received at the center last week.

It is clear.   The night was a complete success. I met new friends and saw old ones, I won a prize, my ass was reserved, I ate meatballs & I charged my iPhone. Now you should understand why I’m still smiling.

• “I’m in.”  This makes me snicker like a schoolgirl every damn time I hear a guy say it.  They are usually trying to confirm their interest in participating in an event. I automatically think they’re saying they’ve inserted. Imagine asking a man, “Are you in?” What an ego deflator. Especially when all I want to know is if he’s coming joining us. 
• A private club for members This has been a term used in Utah for years to indicate that you must have a membership to enter a club or bar. Every time I hear this I think it’s a private club for mens’ private parts. Imagine a bunch of dicks wandering around a bar. Wait, I’ve actually seen that.
• “Have a great flight.” & “You too.” When a gate agent says this to me, I inevitably respond with “you too” as I rush onto the jetway. It takes me a minute to realize she isn’t flying anywhere.
• Fir & Duck When I mistype on my iPhone it should know that I rarely intend to use the term “fir” or “duck” in my text.  Fir should be for and duck should swap the “d” for a “f”. I think my iPhone misunderstands who I am. It takes me for an outdoorsy girl.  I’m not.

What are the phrases that make you laugh? Please share them. I need more to giggle about.

I need to a job with spring breaks. Seriously, who gets those? Wait, I’ll tell you who. The fabulous Sarah over at Tales of Wit and Charm, that’s who. I think she mentioned spring break to purposely rub it in my face. And it got me thinking of people who look forward to these luxurious breaks from life. I’ve come up with the list: students, retirees and teachers.

Well I’ve got my degree so the student option is out. Retiring? I checked both dollars in my 401(k) and I’m still down over 52% since 2007. Given that and the fact that I’m only 37, retiring is not an option. So that leaves teaching.

Teaching could be fun. Only obstacle…I’d need to triple my teaching salary to survive. Hell I’ve got a wine habit to maintain. And there’s the issue of having lots of free time off. That means travel. If spring breaks are anything like I remember, I need to brush up on my Spanish, sleeping in a tent on the beach and beer-bonging skills. Viva Los Cabos!

Oh, and, as long as I manage to only drink things that dehydrate me (alcohol) and no tap water I should also be able to avoid peeing my pants. Us good Americans need to stick together!

Guess where we sat? Yeah, the back room. This was before the crowd of street fighters started pouring in. After about 30 minutes of sitting in the same room with 60 tough looking men that didn’t know how to smile we decided to move towards a less intimidating crowd. Honestly, you couldn’t look these tough guys in the eye for fear that they’d scratch out your eyes and kick you in the crotch.

We decided to move to a different part of the bar and immediately felt more at ease, even though the fighters kept strutting past our table looking for their group in the back room.

Then this attractive guy walked past our table and I waved him towards the back and said, “They’re back there…” He thanked me. Then I snuck in a “…but please don’t beat me up.” He turned and laughed. Then he said, “What makes you say that?” I laughed back and waved him on.

He took five more steps until he met up with his friends at the bar. Yeah, he was not part of the street fighting group. I think he was mortified that I implied he was a woman beater.

I meant to apologize to him later and explain why I said that. But I lost track of time and lost track of him. Hello ADD.

This is precisely why being outgoing and friendly can bite you in the ass. You can say things that offend, disturb, hurt and mortify others. However sometimes you can make people laugh and it’s all worth it. It’s the risk you take in my world…welcome to it.

Friday: after work – MS fund raiser/auction then Drinking Liberally social

Saturday: early afternoon fashion show, errands and ?

Sunday: tweet up brunch & dinner/drinks/movie with a friend

If you have any ideas for fun fillers, I’ll gladly hear them.  Otherwise I’ll be a risk to spend time with myself which always ends in a fight.