I’m a talker. That’s what I’m good at. On the flip side, I’m the ultimate misuser of written words. Often I fuck up punctuation, emphasize the wrong word or leave out a word or explanation meant to help with context. This can cause confusion in written conversations. Simply stated: MISINTERPRETATIONS!

Here’s a recent IM chat that went horribly wrong. Thankfully it was quickly cleared up before crazy rumors started flying around town.

Conversation is slightly modified to protect the identities of others and the innocent.

Susan Mercedes: Big news…just got it.

Susan Mercedes: Elle is going to be a big sister!

Friend: WHAT?

Susan Mercedes: yep, due this spring.

Friend: WHAT?

Susan Mercedes: They [Elle's dad and stepmom] are having a baby.

Friend: Dude, I thought you meant you and I was panicking.

Susan Mercedes: NO!!!

Susan Mercedes: funny!

Susan Mercedes: that’s really funny actually.

Lesson here: Always share significant information in person. Or be sure the message is clear before ending the conversation.

The upside (because there always is one)…there are worse offenders than me.

I hate Facebook. I’m rarely on it. However some people idiots use it the wrong way and end up on Lamebook. It’s a website created from real Facebook walls posts and put in one place to show all the crazy shit that is out there.

Here’s one of my favorites:

See how Damien left that comment wide open for interpretation (or misinterpretation rather)? Michael read it, added an animal and made a joke. I like Michael.

And just to set the record straight. I am NOT pregnant. And I don’t think Damien is really fucking sheep. But I do know that Michael is funny.

And if dressing alike wasn’t silly enough, they opted to wear white pants, pink polo shirts and white sweaters tied tightly around their necks. The looked like they walked out of a country club in the Hamptons back in the 80’s.

And the only reason I noticed them, since they sat right behind me, was the reactions from all the people I was facing. I actually saw camera phones casually snapping shots. So I joined them with a little over the shoulder action.

– Post From My iPhone

Like…

• The time I salted (and I mean OVER salted) my buddy’s ham sandwich. He continued to eat it and complain about how salty the ham was.
• Or put coffee grinds in his coke. He took a huge gulp. Followed by a gag. And subsequent spit out. Then there was a smile. But not until the next day.
• Or turned on the passenger side seat heater on a recent blistering 104 degree day. That was a real nut roaster. Just ask him. And watching the confused look on his face during the car ride was priceless.
• Or the time I tricked a guy into thinking I was pregnant with his baby to trap him. <~ Okay, not really. That never happened. But it may have been funny back in college. Hindsight people. It could have been fucking funny. You know, the look on “his” face.

All damaged items above were replaced at my cost (except for the overheated balls).

However these pranks aren’t always one sided.

• I once had a coworker who would occasionally get to work before me and hide under my desk.
• Or rigged a fire cracker (popper thing that pops when you pull both ends) in my desk drawer so it popped when I reached in for a pen.
• Or had a computer mouse molded in jello.
• Or had my office completely filled with shredded paper.

I want more silly times in life. They make me laugh. Really hard. Like the best ab workout. Better than 100 crunches.

And since it would be frowned upon as an executive officer of my company to play pranks, I need ideas for outside of work pranks. I’ve got plenty of unsuspecting friends and family who would love to laugh. With me.

Got any prank ideas?

To me it makes a huge difference.  Not only grammatically, but what it says about me as an educated person.

Anyhow, if I was responsible for mass producing t-shirts, proof reading would be my highest priority.

Here’s an example of when proofreading could have really come in handy.

Submitted by: ashleytheundertaker via Engrish Funny Submissions

Check out the Engrish Funny site for lots of funny things. Because quite frankly who doesn’t love to laugh?!

In order to go out on a work night, I had to make arrangements for my lovely daughter. (News flash: going forward I will refer to my daughter as Elle.)  I don’t get a sitter very often. Notice I didn’t say a babysitter since she’s not a baby. Elle is 10. Since I’m divorced and she spends time with her dad, I generally plan my outings around that.

So where does my sitter pool come from. There is a neighbor girl I adore and use occasionally but don’t prefer that option for evening events especially on a school night.  

I opted for plan B and went to a rarely tapped group. I “manage” a group of people at work. I put the term manage in quotes since they are unbelievably talented and there is very little to manage. In particular there are two young ladies in the group that have watched Elle in the past and she loves both of them.

Anyhow, the sitter (one of the two ladies mentioned above) came over. She was right on time. As usual I was running late and raced out the door barking orders, “Elle do your homework, behave, I love you and be good.”

When I returned home later I got the recap of the evening with Elle. First dinner, then homework, then fingernail painting, then bedtime. But obviously there was some chit chat going on too. One conversation in particular cracked me up. It went something like this:

Elle: You work with my mom, right?
Sitter: Yes. Your mom is my boss.
Elle: That means that she could fire you, huh?

Elle has this idea that I walk around and fire people. With the unsettled economy and job market, I’d hate for Elle to scare my star employees with that powerful fact. Now I’ll never know if she agreed to be Elle’s sitter because she likes my kid or because she’s scared I’ll fire her otherwise.

Here are a few of my favorites. They actually made me laugh out loud.

(918): Can’t talk. I’m at the Tulsa Sheriff’s office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I’m the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you’re the only one who could read the ballott.

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there…

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

(406): So, how was the dinner
(1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he’s deaf.

Please share yours. I won’t tell anyone. Just use the comment section to share. But if I recognize any of the messages (because they were sent by me) I’ll delete that shit.

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I’m paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

New rule: From now on Fridays will be known as “Funny Fridays” on www.offthechest.net. This new rule only applies when I have something funny to post. Again: My blog. My rules.

I’ve had this list titled ”Ways to Brighten Up a Boring Day” for years saved in my smile file at work. This file is filled with things meant to make me laugh when work gets too stressful. I occasionally pull it out and look at it. THE LIST people, the list. Every damn time I laugh out loud often with tears in my eyes. 

Another rule: If you use any of these, you must report the experience back to me.  There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t want to make me laugh, especially on “Funny Fridays”. 

Please enjoy.  And trust me. They are worth reading through.

WAYS TO BRIGHTEN UP A BORING DAY

• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
• Phone someone in the office that you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now, Bye.”
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say “Sorry, but I really prefer it this way.”
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly yell out “YAHTZEE!”
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• While riding in the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
• Say to your boss, “I like your style”, and shoot him/her with double-barreled fingers
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee, then ask “Did you get all that?, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
• Page yourself over the intercom (do NOT disguise your voice).
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself.)
• Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off/on 10 times.
• For an hour, refer to everyone as “Bob.”
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two!”
• While an officemate is out, move their chair to the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “With God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
• In a colleague’s daytimer, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights.”
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “Do you wanna swap?”
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?
  “What?”
  “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
• Speak in an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.