Thanks to a tweet passed along on Twitter, I was able to see humor this week. TextsFromLastNight is a website where you can post text messages you sent or received. This shit is funny.

Here are a few of my favorites. They actually made me laugh out loud.

(918): Can’t talk. I’m at the Tulsa Sheriff’s office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I’m the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you’re the only one who could read the ballott.

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there…

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

(406): So, how was the dinner
(1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he’s deaf.

Please share yours. I won’t tell anyone. Just use the comment section to share. But if I recognize any of the messages (because they were sent by me) I’ll delete that shit.

Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m tired. But who the freak cares. Check out this funny fmylife website for stories like this…

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I’m paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

I’m making up new rules.  I can do that. I own this blog.

New rule: From now on Fridays will be known as “Funny Fridays” on www.offthechest.net. This new rule only applies when I have something funny to post. Again: My blog. My rules.

I’ve had this list titled ”Ways to Brighten Up a Boring Day” for years saved in my smile file at work. This file is filled with things meant to make me laugh when work gets too stressful. I occasionally pull it out and look at it. THE LIST people, the list. Every damn time I laugh out loud often with tears in my eyes. 

Another rule: If you use any of these, you must report the experience back to me.  There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t want to make me laugh, especially on “Funny Fridays”. 

Please enjoy.  And trust me. They are worth reading through.

WAYS TO BRIGHTEN UP A BORING DAY

• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
• Phone someone in the office that you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now, Bye.”
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say “Sorry, but I really prefer it this way.”
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly yell out “YAHTZEE!”
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• While riding in the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
• Say to your boss, “I like your style”, and shoot him/her with double-barreled fingers
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee, then ask “Did you get all that?, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
• Page yourself over the intercom (do NOT disguise your voice).
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself.)
• Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off/on 10 times.
• For an hour, refer to everyone as “Bob.”
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two!”
• While an officemate is out, move their chair to the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “With God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
• In a colleague’s daytimer, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights.”
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “Do you wanna swap?”
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?
  “What?”
  “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
• Speak in an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.