I am one lucky fucker. I realize it everyday.

On Christmas morning, Elle always feels bad because she opens about one zillion gifts and I only have a few. I don’t mind. Because I feel blessed. Elle is so cute, she’ll sometimes ask me to help open her gifts so I have something to do besides watch her and smile and drink champagne. Don’t judge, it’s a holiday.

Well this year I decided to buy myself stuff. Frivilous stuff. Here’s what happened to be on my impromptu list:

• a case of sparkling wine – bubbly makes me smile

• two sexy pairs of 4″ pointy toed heels – my favorite shoe style
• a picture frame for my kitchen
• a wine key necklace – a local artist made it
• Botox – I realize this isn’t under the tree
• Other stuff that I wrapped weeks ago and forgot about – I like surprises too
• And whatever else I find between now and tomorrow morning.

So Merry fucking Christmas! I hope you enjoy this time with loved ones and champagne. I know I will.

Here I am with my darling friends…Donna and Amy. If you didn’t know, I’m the one on the far right. Please notice my unbruised and unscabbed arm. Trust me when I say this…my right arm, which is hidden behind Amy, looked exactly the same as the left one you see here.

At the wee hours of the morning I left this party to head home. It drizzled rain all day so the roads were wet. But being December and all, it was cold out.

As I get to my driveway, I think nothing of the wet looking cement. By the way, my driveway is the longest and steepest driveway invented. I’m one lucky fuck in the winter.

My Driveway

Halfway up the driveway my all wheel car loses all traction. My wheels are spinning. The car is sliding. I’m freaking out. The car stops. It is put into park.

I decide that I should get out of the parked car and walk up. I figure I can get my car in the fucking spring. Or at least wait until my snow removal guys pour some ice melt down.

Anyhow, please notice my boots in the first picture. Obviously I had them on that night. They are black leather, flat, English style riding boots. You know, the kind with the flat leather soles.

I step out of the car with my purse over my shoulder, my iPhone in my hand and my coat in the backseat of the car. Yes, I was wearing just that short sleeve sweater shown in the picture above as I step out into the freezing temperatures.

As I step out of the car, I hold on to the door. My phone drops to the ground. I helplessly watch it slide down the driveway.

Then it happened! CRASH!

My feet slid out from under me. I lose my grip on the car door. I drop to the ground using my chin to help break my fall. I didn’t plan to use that body part, but it happened. And it didn’t really help. I also used my forearms. Then the action began! I slid. Fast. Using only my chin, stomach, thighs as my sled.

After about 20 feet of tummy sliding, I decided to roll over to my ass. I mean, who only wants their front side soaking wet? Not me.

So I rolled over, continued this fun ride for another 20 feet and stopped right next to my iPhone at the bottom of my driveway.

Fucking driveway. You hurt my arm. And my ego.

No iPhones were harmed in the making of this dangerous and crazy comedy.

I called her shortly after seeing her text messages and told her that as long as she believes in Santa, then he is real.

She said she kinda does and kinda doesn’t. And then over dinner she told me she was going to ask Santa for a laptop for Christmas.

Now I need a fucking Santa! Laptops are expensive.

I especially hate the ones involving oversized animals hiding a cooked and decorated food item that never came from its body. I mean, really…a human sized bunny putting pastel colored hard boiled eggs in bushes and flower pots. 

Add to my hatred for the holiday: buying Hallmark cards and putting together pastel colored baskets with tons of candy and lame stuffed animals.  Hate it.

I spent Easter this year doing nothing Easter-y. Intentionally. We did enjoy an untraditional Chinese food dinner. I didn’t even have a morsel of chocolate or a bite of  those awful marshmallow Peeps. I did however, have coconut ice cream.

I’m sure there is more meaning to the Easter festivities. But whatever…I don’t have to like them.

One confession to make: Cadbury mini eggs are my weakness. But not as much as my obsession for all things coconut.