I’m at home. In bed. Feeling horrible. I’ve been sick all weekend.

I emailed in sick from work. Yep, I did. I sent an email. It’s way more technologically advanced than using the phone and calling in sick.

They can easily survive with me. I’ve got the best staff ever!

Worst part about this cold…it comes with an insatiable appetite. I ate an entire bag of Cheetos on Saturday night. I know, it’s an exciting life I live.

Worst part about being home today…my housekeeper is at my house today. Listen to her talk radio show. Really loud. I may have to drown it out with the sound of daytime tv up in my bedroom. Which will be another reason to make being home today suck more.

Anyhow, I must end this post and check my work emails. I have to make sure nobody else emailed in sick and left me with work to do from my lap top. In bed.

P.S. I realize after several failed jokes over IM this morning and after rereading this post, my sick funny isn’t actually funny. I apologize and appreciate your readership in the good times and the bad.

This past Sunday was an awesome day. I had a list of chores to get done, but I managed to ignore all of them. You know why? Because after Elle brought me coffee in bed, she brought me bubbly. This beverage always makes me smile. Hell, it was champagne Sunday after all. Every Sunday is.

After several sips of bubbly I started brainstorming on what we should do with our day.  Again bubbly makes me happy so I thought I’d give Elle something that would make her happy. She’s been begging me for this for months.

So I said it. “Elle, let’s go get paint and redecorate your room today!” She squealed.

She picked the colors and the design. I bought the stuff. We both did the work.

Now I walk into her room to brighten my mood. The large polka dots are just like bubbles. They makes me smile. Maybe even more than champagne on Sundays or clean sheets on Sunday night. Okay, that might be a stretch. But I do love Elle’s new room.

I need to preface this post by saying I’m so grateful to be able to have someone clean my house every other week. It is a luxury I budget for. And by budget (since I don’t really do that word) I mean make sure I won’t bounce the checks I write to her.

I found the perfect person to do it. She does a better job than I do. And cleaning my house is a chore I actually love. Well, loved. I haven’t done it in years.  She is trustworthy. She is reliable. She is inexpensive. Oh, and she doesn’t drink alcohol so I never have to worry about my wine stash, beer on tap, or fully stocked bar. Trust me, this is a big deal. I love that she listens to her church radio when she’s here. Mostly because I’m not here. But because it frowns upon her dipping into my alcohol stash.

Today when I walked into my kitchen I panicked. There was a note on the counter. It was a full page handwritten note. She’s never left me a note before. I thought I might be a “Dear SusanMercedes, I can no longer clean your house. Thanks for the last 6 years. Love, Housekeeper”.

Thank god it wasn’t “that” letter. It was a full page apology letter. She broke two different items in my house. I should make it clear that she has never broken anything before. Ever!

Two broken items:

First item: An art project Elle made years ago. It is a fossil which is displayed on a stand in my tv room. I think it can be glued. Anyone know what will bond two pieces of molded sand like material? This was a fragile piece so it may have just crumbled under her feather duster. Who knows.

Second item: a large glass candle holder which was on my bedroom floor. My housekeeper accidently knocked down a picture off the dresser and it fell on the glass candle holder. It shattered the glass.

Right away I went to check out the damage in my bedroom. When I got upstairs I noticed something. Something shocking. Not in the ‘I left all my adult toys out on the bed’ way. But I did shock her. I’m sure of it. The broken candle holder wasn’t her fault at all. It was mine. All mine.

Look what I found next to the star picture frame. That’s the frame that dropped to the floor and shattered my glass candle holder.

I ruined her. She probably thinks I’ve turned to vanilla flavored vodka for breakfast before work. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I much prefer it for dinner.