We’ve known each other for 20 years. Wow, that makes them sound old!

There are a group of 5 of us that get together a few times every year. Now they all live in California…well, all except me. I moved to Utah to ski. They stayed in California so they could spend all their money on mortgage payments.

Only 4 of us could make this trip. The one that didn’t make the trip loves her dad more than us. We have nicer boobs than her dad, but whatever. She’s an attorney so I’m not fucking with her choices. She’ll sue me.

Back to the weekend. It was a fabulous! I love these girls. This weekend filled with:

• drinking
• eating (completely unplanned but we ate at Porcupine Pub for 3 of the 4 meals)
• a hike
• drinking
• shopping
• very little sleep (mostly my doing since I’m known for waking up early and making sure everyone else has that opportunity)
• drinking
• lots of talk time in pajamas (I said pajamas, not nighties, as pictured below)
• middle of the day beer drinking at a dive bar (picture also below)
• lots of fucking love

The beginning of slumber party on the first night!

Hang over hike up Bells Canyon.

Bar shot looks just like us in college…bad lighting, not showered, drinking mid-afternoon.

Before dinner on the second night.

Having these ladies in my life (all 5 of them) for so long makes me appreciate unconditional love and friendship. I don’t know what I’d do without them. We don’t talk often but when we do it’s like we hung out yesterday.

Do you have friends like this?

But sometimes, and by sometimes I mean rarely, can I do it using elementary school humor.

This can only be verified by hearing a kid laugh hard. And I mean hard! You know, the guttural hearty laugh that kids can’t fake.

Elle: [brushing her hair] My hair is so knotty.

Me: Then tell it to behave.

Elle: [guttural hearty laugh that kids can't fake]

I want to hear it more often. So please, for my heart to smile, send silly jokes. Otherwise I’ll have to resort to tickling. And Elle will get sick of it really quick.

]]> http://www.offthechest.net/2009/09/27/laughter-makes-my-heart-happy/feed/ 12 http://www.offthechest.net/2009/08/13/mixing-business-with-pleasure-is-bad/ http://www.offthechest.net/2009/08/13/mixing-business-with-pleasure-is-bad/#comments Thu, 13 Aug 2009 17:47:23 +0000 Susan Mercedes http://www.offthechest.net/?p=3163 It’s no secret. I’m an executive at a company. With that position comes a level of professionalism that I maintain in my work life.

There are times when I must mix my work life with my social life.  I have several friendships at work that extend outside the workplace. One particular example is my friend at work. I set him up with my aesthetician who I’ve known for years and is a dear friend. She handles my obsession with body hair…or lack of. Evidently I should be a matchmaker because they have been together ever since I arranged their first meeting over two years ago.

But that’s not my point. What I’m trying to share is when I mix business with pleasure. Prime example is at my company party.

Again, as an executive I am expected to mingle with all employees. I actually love this part of my job. Who am I kidding? I love all parts of my job. Really, I do.

My company recently held our annual summer party. We all get together with our families and mingle, eat, play, dance, laugh, drink!  I did all but the dance part this year. Obviously I brought Elle, my darling 10 year old. She loves going to these events too.  Mostly because of the rides and kid activities.

This year we arrived fashionably late. Large groups of people congregated not far from the bar area on the patio. Elle and I joined them. As we were standing around talking more people joined the group. Again, this was a large group.

Two seconds later, I realized the danger of mixing business with pleasure.

Elle: HEY MOM *pointing to my long time friend/aesthetician who just walked up with her boyfriend*, THERE’S YOUR WAXER!

Naturally, at that very moment, there was a lull in the multiple conversations within the group. Everyone turned to look at me.

I laughed and realized there are some things you don’t want your employees to know. My personal maintenance routine is one of them.

But hell, hair free is my obsession. And now many people in my company know where I stand. Or, more appropriately, on who’s table I lay back on.

You know why?

Because I can’t think of something that makes me happier than hearing the authentic laughter of a kid. In this case, mine, Elle.

This morning she woke up and came into my bed like she usually does. We started a tickle fight. And by we, I mean Elle. As a ten year old she loves to test me. “Mom, does it tickle when I do this?” as she lightly scratches the palm of my hand or reaches for under my neck.

And of course, I’m totally grateful to be stronger. Because I hate to be tickled. But even the few tickles she got in were totally worth it. I mean, hearing that guttural laugh reminds me of being a kid. Totally carefree and happy.

Elle even managed to get a picture of my mouth smile during our tickle fest. Well she got two shots but the first one was of my boob (“covered” by a nightie) and that sure as hell isn’t getting posted.

So here’s to today. I’m going to act like a kid and laugh authentically…hard and from the gut.

For a day when you just need to empty your mind and laugh a little, check out these sites. Plan to spend waste some time here though.

texts from last night
fml (<~ fuck my life)
fail blog

And sure, I realize many of you probably already read these. But I only discovered them within the last year. I just don’t want anyone else to be as far behind as I am.

Love. Laugh. Live. Oh, and share. What other websites do you check out to laugh a little lot?

Within the first 30 minutes after we arrive in the San Diego airport she gave me the best ab workout ever. And all she had to do was tell me a story.

Her story came after she heard about me standing up on the airplane. That alone isn’t so exciting. However when my strapless sundress didn’t stand up with me, it became an exciting event. And by exciting, I mean mortifying. Yep, my dress slid down on my body as I got up to use the lavatory. Oh joy. I was embarrassed and didn’t bother looking up at anyone for fear that they were laughing, scowling or turned on.

Really, if I”m going to pull down my dress and give a peep show, I want it to be on my terms. Not on a wardrobe failure.

My humiliation reminded Suz of a story.

She was in Santa Barbara at a fancy hotel. She raced down to the pool wearing a sundress and a string bikini. That’s how she rolls. And not rolls as in fat. The girl is tiny.

I should explain her tiny frame. She’s thin. And completely flat chested. It looks good on her though. I’m guilt free from talking about her tiny boobs because I offered her my spare set and she refused.

Back to the pool. It was a hotel pool and there we other people there. Specifically two guys near Suz any many other people scattered around.

Suz is next to her lounge chair and pulls her sundress over her head. And you probably guessed it. Her string bikini top came loose and fell to her waist. Suz isn’t very modest. That didn’t bother her so much.

What did bother her? The two guys who were watching her. Why? Because of their response. They glanced up, saw the show and went back to whatever they were doing before. Without a smile, rise in their pants, or laugh. Suz concluded that they were either gay or thought she was a little boy.

Moral here: When we take off our top, we want a response. Positive always feels better. But something. Anything. Except for maybe a dollar bill. Or worse, a quarter.

Like…

• The time I salted (and I mean OVER salted) my buddy’s ham sandwich. He continued to eat it and complain about how salty the ham was.
• Or put coffee grinds in his coke. He took a huge gulp. Followed by a gag. And subsequent spit out. Then there was a smile. But not until the next day.
• Or turned on the passenger side seat heater on a recent blistering 104 degree day. That was a real nut roaster. Just ask him. And watching the confused look on his face during the car ride was priceless.
• Or the time I tricked a guy into thinking I was pregnant with his baby to trap him. <~ Okay, not really. That never happened. But it may have been funny back in college. Hindsight people. It could have been fucking funny. You know, the look on “his” face.

All damaged items above were replaced at my cost (except for the overheated balls).

However these pranks aren’t always one sided.

• I once had a coworker who would occasionally get to work before me and hide under my desk.
• Or rigged a fire cracker (popper thing that pops when you pull both ends) in my desk drawer so it popped when I reached in for a pen.
• Or had a computer mouse molded in jello.
• Or had my office completely filled with shredded paper.

I want more silly times in life. They make me laugh. Really hard. Like the best ab workout. Better than 100 crunches.

And since it would be frowned upon as an executive officer of my company to play pranks, I need ideas for outside of work pranks. I’ve got plenty of unsuspecting friends and family who would love to laugh. With me.

Got any prank ideas?

In order to go out on a work night, I had to make arrangements for my lovely daughter. (News flash: going forward I will refer to my daughter as Elle.)  I don’t get a sitter very often. Notice I didn’t say a babysitter since she’s not a baby. Elle is 10. Since I’m divorced and she spends time with her dad, I generally plan my outings around that.

So where does my sitter pool come from. There is a neighbor girl I adore and use occasionally but don’t prefer that option for evening events especially on a school night.  

I opted for plan B and went to a rarely tapped group. I “manage” a group of people at work. I put the term manage in quotes since they are unbelievably talented and there is very little to manage. In particular there are two young ladies in the group that have watched Elle in the past and she loves both of them.

Anyhow, the sitter (one of the two ladies mentioned above) came over. She was right on time. As usual I was running late and raced out the door barking orders, “Elle do your homework, behave, I love you and be good.”

When I returned home later I got the recap of the evening with Elle. First dinner, then homework, then fingernail painting, then bedtime. But obviously there was some chit chat going on too. One conversation in particular cracked me up. It went something like this:

Elle: You work with my mom, right?
Sitter: Yes. Your mom is my boss.
Elle: That means that she could fire you, huh?

Elle has this idea that I walk around and fire people. With the unsettled economy and job market, I’d hate for Elle to scare my star employees with that powerful fact. Now I’ll never know if she agreed to be Elle’s sitter because she likes my kid or because she’s scared I’ll fire her otherwise.

Here are a few of my favorites. They actually made me laugh out loud.

(918): Can’t talk. I’m at the Tulsa Sheriff’s office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I’m the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you’re the only one who could read the ballott.

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there…

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

(406): So, how was the dinner
(1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he’s deaf.

Please share yours. I won’t tell anyone. Just use the comment section to share. But if I recognize any of the messages (because they were sent by me) I’ll delete that shit.

And my very favorite:

Happy Friday!

New rule: From now on Fridays will be known as “Funny Fridays” on www.offthechest.net. This new rule only applies when I have something funny to post. Again: My blog. My rules.

I’ve had this list titled ”Ways to Brighten Up a Boring Day” for years saved in my smile file at work. This file is filled with things meant to make me laugh when work gets too stressful. I occasionally pull it out and look at it. THE LIST people, the list. Every damn time I laugh out loud often with tears in my eyes. 

Another rule: If you use any of these, you must report the experience back to me.  There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t want to make me laugh, especially on “Funny Fridays”. 

Please enjoy.  And trust me. They are worth reading through.

WAYS TO BRIGHTEN UP A BORING DAY

• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
• Phone someone in the office that you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now, Bye.”
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say “Sorry, but I really prefer it this way.”
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly yell out “YAHTZEE!”
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• While riding in the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
• Say to your boss, “I like your style”, and shoot him/her with double-barreled fingers
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee, then ask “Did you get all that?, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
• Page yourself over the intercom (do NOT disguise your voice).
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself.)
• Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off/on 10 times.
• For an hour, refer to everyone as “Bob.”
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two!”
• While an officemate is out, move their chair to the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “With God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
• In a colleague’s daytimer, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights.”
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “Do you wanna swap?”
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?
  “What?”
  “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
• Speak in an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Boyfriend: Hi sweetie. What are you doing?
Blonde: Working on a puzzle.
Boyfriend: What’s the puzzle picture supposed to be when you’re done?
Blonde: A tiger.

Boyfriend: There is no way in fucking hell these puzzle pieces can ever be put together to look like a tiger.

Blonde: [looks disappointed}

Boyfriend: Secondly, let’s pick up all these Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes and put them back in the box.

Disclaimer: This joke was not intended to insult blondes. In fact, I’m a blonde. It was also not intended to endorse Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. I don’t even eat cereal.