Things that make me laugh often involve me being sneaky.

Like…

• The time I salted (and I mean OVER salted) my buddy’s ham sandwich. He continued to eat it and complain about how salty the ham was.
• Or put coffee grinds in his coke. He took a huge gulp. Followed by a gag. And subsequent spit out. Then there was a smile. But not until the next day.
• Or turned on the passenger side seat heater on a recent blistering 104 degree day. That was a real nut roaster. Just ask him. And watching the confused look on his face during the car ride was priceless.
• Or the time I tricked a guy into thinking I was pregnant with his baby to trap him. <~ Okay, not really. That never happened. But it may have been funny back in college. Hindsight people. It could have been fucking funny. You know, the look on “his” face.

All damaged items above were replaced at my cost (except for the overheated balls).

However these pranks aren’t always one sided.

• I once had a coworker who would occasionally get to work before me and hide under my desk.
• Or rigged a fire cracker (popper thing that pops when you pull both ends) in my desk drawer so it popped when I reached in for a pen.
• Or had a computer mouse molded in jello.
• Or had my office completely filled with shredded paper.

I want more silly times in life. They make me laugh. Really hard. Like the best ab workout. Better than 100 crunches.

And since it would be frowned upon as an executive officer of my company to play pranks, I need ideas for outside of work pranks. I’ve got plenty of unsuspecting friends and family who would love to laugh. With me.

Got any prank ideas?

I had an opportunity to go to see The Passion of Sister Dottie S. Dixon with a girlfriend. It was a blast. We laughed our asses off. Mostly around the Utah humor. But that is not the point of my story.

In order to go out on a work night, I had to make arrangements for my lovely daughter. (News flash: going forward I will refer to my daughter as Elle.)  I don’t get a sitter very often. Notice I didn’t say a babysitter since she’s not a baby. Elle is 10. Since I’m divorced and she spends time with her dad, I generally plan my outings around that.

So where does my sitter pool come from. There is a neighbor girl I adore and use occasionally but don’t prefer that option for evening events especially on a school night.  

I opted for plan B and went to a rarely tapped group. I “manage” a group of people at work. I put the term manage in quotes since they are unbelievably talented and there is very little to manage. In particular there are two young ladies in the group that have watched Elle in the past and she loves both of them.

Anyhow, the sitter (one of the two ladies mentioned above) came over. She was right on time. As usual I was running late and raced out the door barking orders, “Elle do your homework, behave, I love you and be good.”

When I returned home later I got the recap of the evening with Elle. First dinner, then homework, then fingernail painting, then bedtime. But obviously there was some chit chat going on too. One conversation in particular cracked me up. It went something like this:

Elle: You work with my mom, right?
Sitter: Yes. Your mom is my boss.
Elle: That means that she could fire you, huh?

Elle has this idea that I walk around and fire people. With the unsettled economy and job market, I’d hate for Elle to scare my star employees with that powerful fact. Now I’ll never know if she agreed to be Elle’s sitter because she likes my kid or because she’s scared I’ll fire her otherwise.

Thanks to a tweet passed along on Twitter, I was able to see humor this week. TextsFromLastNight is a website where you can post text messages you sent or received. This shit is funny.

Here are a few of my favorites. They actually made me laugh out loud.

(918): Can’t talk. I’m at the Tulsa Sheriff’s office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I’m the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you’re the only one who could read the ballott.

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there…

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

(406): So, how was the dinner
(1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he’s deaf.

Please share yours. I won’t tell anyone. Just use the comment section to share. But if I recognize any of the messages (because they were sent by me) I’ll delete that shit.