Ever wonder what it would take to be a hippie? I was told by a friend that I didn’t even know what a hippie was. I want to prove him wrong.

Here’s how you do it.

Step 1: Stop taking showers. Personal hygiene can be taken off your to do list.

Step 2: Master the game of hacky sack, fine tune your drum skills and learn to toss hippie sticks.

Step 3: Brighten up your wardrobe with handmade tie dye clothing.

Step 4: Believe in unicorns and their magic.

Step 5: Grow out your hair. And for men, grow out your beard. All the way down your neck.

Step 6: Make sure you have at least one sleeping bag in the trunk of your car.

Step 7: Stop eating meat or go big and become a vegan.

Step 8: Never stay in a hotel again, only camp.

Step 9: Dust off your Birkenstocks. Don’t forget to wear them with socks.

Step 10: End all of your conversations with the word “peace”.

This list was compiled based on my experiences. What would you add to the list?

There is no way I could be a hippie. I don’t even like granola. And now that I have the list, I know what NOT to do.

I’m the master of seeing the upside of things. Some people call me an optimist. Some call me positive. I call me sarcastic.

I’ve listed some stresses in my life. They are bold. Both figuratively and literally.

(Key for this post…Stresser: Subsequent Upside)

Wearing tights, nylons and other restrictive shit to work since the weather turned cold: control top.

Commute to work was slowed down by dumb slow drivers in the fast lane: I was prevented from getting a speeding ticket.

Cost of Botox is crazy ridiculous: There is no evidence (through wrinkles lines) that the cost stressed me out.

I have severe pressure at work with deadlines and projects: This one never gets old. I HAVE A JOB. Too many people forget that one.

Mail for my live in ex-boyfriend keeps getting delivered to my house  (he hasn’t lived here for years): The articles in Maxim are actually interesting.

I got the card from my dentist to schedule a cleaning: I have teeth. They help make a smile look so much better.

I’m nursing a mild sleep deprived wine hangover: I enjoyed every sip of wine.

Fucked up sleeping patterns: Some people are used to a 1/2 hour intermission at the theatre to get refreshed. I get 1-2 hour blocks in the middle of the night to toss and turn and watch bad tv. Double upside…I caught up on a few stupid reality shows.

I’m blowing through money to travel for friends’ events out of state: I have friends. And who needs money when you have friends?

Okay, back to focusing on all the good in life. Have a great day. And remember, there is ALWAYS an upside.

Here’s the thing. It would be hard for me to make a Christmas list sharing all the things I want. Because really, I have everything I NEED. Please notice the word need. I capitalized it for effect. Everything on my list would be frivolous.

I am one lucky fucker. I realize it everyday.

On Christmas morning, Elle always feels bad because she opens about one zillion gifts and I only have a few. I don’t mind. Because I feel blessed. Elle is so cute, she’ll sometimes ask me to help open her gifts so I have something to do besides watch her and smile and drink champagne. Don’t judge, it’s a holiday.

Well this year I decided to buy myself stuff. Frivilous stuff. Here’s what happened to be on my impromptu list:

• a case of sparkling wine – bubbly makes me smile

• two sexy pairs of 4″ pointy toed heels – my favorite shoe style
• a picture frame for my kitchen
• a wine key necklace – a local artist made it
• Botox – I realize this isn’t under the tree
• Other stuff that I wrapped weeks ago and forgot about – I like surprises too
• And whatever else I find between now and tomorrow morning.

So Merry fucking Christmas! I hope you enjoy this time with loved ones and champagne. I know I will.