Here’s how you do it.

Step 1: Stop taking showers. Personal hygiene can be taken off your to do list.

Step 2: Master the game of hacky sack, fine tune your drum skills and learn to toss hippie sticks.

Step 3: Brighten up your wardrobe with handmade tie dye clothing.

Step 4: Believe in unicorns and their magic.

Step 5: Grow out your hair. And for men, grow out your beard. All the way down your neck.

Step 6: Make sure you have at least one sleeping bag in the trunk of your car.

Step 7: Stop eating meat or go big and become a vegan.

Step 8: Never stay in a hotel again, only camp.

Step 9: Dust off your Birkenstocks. Don’t forget to wear them with socks.

Step 10: End all of your conversations with the word “peace”.

This list was compiled based on my experiences. What would you add to the list?

There is no way I could be a hippie. I don’t even like granola. And now that I have the list, I know what NOT to do.

I’ve listed some stresses in my life. They are bold. Both figuratively and literally.

(Key for this post…Stresser: Subsequent Upside)

Wearing tights, nylons and other restrictive shit to work since the weather turned cold: control top.

Commute to work was slowed down by dumb slow drivers in the fast lane: I was prevented from getting a speeding ticket.

Cost of Botox is crazy ridiculous: There is no evidence (through wrinkles lines) that the cost stressed me out.

I have severe pressure at work with deadlines and projects: This one never gets old. I HAVE A JOB. Too many people forget that one.

Mail for my live in ex-boyfriend keeps getting delivered to my house  (he hasn’t lived here for years): The articles in Maxim are actually interesting.

I got the card from my dentist to schedule a cleaning: I have teeth. They help make a smile look so much better.

I’m nursing a mild sleep deprived wine hangover: I enjoyed every sip of wine.

Fucked up sleeping patterns: Some people are used to a 1/2 hour intermission at the theatre to get refreshed. I get 1-2 hour blocks in the middle of the night to toss and turn and watch bad tv. Double upside…I caught up on a few stupid reality shows.

I’m blowing through money to travel for friends’ events out of state: I have friends. And who needs money when you have friends?

Okay, back to focusing on all the good in life. Have a great day. And remember, there is ALWAYS an upside.

I am one lucky fucker. I realize it everyday.

On Christmas morning, Elle always feels bad because she opens about one zillion gifts and I only have a few. I don’t mind. Because I feel blessed. Elle is so cute, she’ll sometimes ask me to help open her gifts so I have something to do besides watch her and smile and drink champagne. Don’t judge, it’s a holiday.

Well this year I decided to buy myself stuff. Frivilous stuff. Here’s what happened to be on my impromptu list:

• a case of sparkling wine – bubbly makes me smile

• two sexy pairs of 4″ pointy toed heels – my favorite shoe style
• a picture frame for my kitchen
• a wine key necklace – a local artist made it
• Botox – I realize this isn’t under the tree
• Other stuff that I wrapped weeks ago and forgot about – I like surprises too
• And whatever else I find between now and tomorrow morning.

So Merry fucking Christmas! I hope you enjoy this time with loved ones and champagne. I know I will.

I’m doing a list because tomorrow it’s likely I won’t want these things. Well, not most of them.

I WANT:

• mac and cheese – the old fashion kind with big noodles
• more sleep
• (I’m a little embarrassed to admit this one) a sip of the red wine from the full glass that was left on my night stand
• chocolate chip pancakes
• a head that doesn’t hurt
• In N Out burger – animal style
• it to snow
• better music playing
• my cat to cuddle with me (he’s really mad at me this morning)
• someone to shower me, dress me and do my hair and makeup
• catch up on my RSS feed
• to be done with my Christmas shopping (I haven’t even started shopping or made a list)
• it to be 5:30 on Sunday because that’s when my 1.5 hour massage is scheduled with my long lost (and hot) massage therapist
• texts from my ex to stop
• this hangover to go away (this can be on my “want” list most days)
• cake
• a diet mountain dew
• a pedicure
• someone to bring me all these things

Enough said. I know. I’m greedy.

What words do people NOT use or think of when describing you?

It got me thinking. I am generally not associated with the following words:

boring, a fighter, sober, a prude, depressed, low energy, slow, on top of things, modest, humble, patient, temper tantrum prone, frowny face, lazy, humble, embarrassed, shy, introverted, good with money, frugal, sensitive, profound, deep, emotional, pure, mellow

I said I was generally not associated with those words. For example, there are times I am sober. Duh, I work a full time job so I’m sober then. Usually.  Or lazy, I can be that. Usually as I’m nursing a not sober moment (i.e. hangover). And I’ve been known to be in a depressed mood, but generally only when I’m with the wrong person in a relationship.

Let’s face it. That was a tough exercise. By tough I mean embarrassing. Who in the hell wants to share that they generally aren’t humble or patient or emotional. Help me out. Please share words that aren’t associated with you in my comment section. This would help me feel less ridiculous.

There are plenty of people who hate me. Rather than dwell on the negative let’s flip this bitch around and think about the upside. It’s what I do.

I am blessed to have great people around me. Seems like people like me. After some deep thinking, which is a brief scuba dive for me I realized some people might even LOVE me.

Here they are. And here is the reason why.

My housekeeper because I make her job easy. Hell, that big stainless steel gas powered box stove (I googled that shit) never needs to be cleaned.

Alcoholics because I make them look sober.

Skiers and golfers because I make them look talented. But I’m a hell of a lot of fun to bring along. Promise.

Grocery stores because I buy everything in duplicate only to throw out 1/2 only to purchase again the following week.

Friends who cook because compared to my talent in the kitchen they are the equivalent to Julia Childs, even if they only cook mac & cheese.

Kids because I can relate to them and function on their childish level.

My family (who, besides Elle, are all in Texas) because I live at a safe distance where they don’t have to accept my phone calls if I’m bugging them so far away.

The wine store because I buy wine by case (who am I kidding, 3-4 cases at a time) and always ask for the back room stock so I don’t empty their shelves.

Fast drivers because I stay out of their way by driving even faster.

Custodian at work because I may be the only person to give him a Christmas card with money in it. This is out of guilt because I feel I should empty my own trash but he refuses to let me.

So if you’re not a potential housekeeper, an alcoholic, a sports enthusiast, a grocery store owner, a friend who cooks, a kid, my family, a wine store manager, a fast driver or the daytime custodian then there is a high probability that you WON’T LOVE ME. But you might like me. Or you may hate me (which makes me question why you’re reading my blog, but whatever. Enjoy). The possibilities are endless.

I’ll end by saying: I’m a lover, not a fighter. So please categorize yourself into one of these groups so I can be on your “God, I love that Susan Mercedes” list. Or remind me of another category I should add to this list. I’m always opened to adding more love in my life.

1. Cars that resemble cop cars when they drive behind me. Especially when I’m speeding.
2. People who wear sunglasses indoors. They look arrogant. Unless they are blind. Then it’s fine.
3. People who walk slow in crowded narrow places.  For example malls & crowded sidewalks.
4. Servers asking if I need change when I pay my bill with cash. If I say, “we’re fine” when I hand over the check, then it’s all yours. Otherwise don’t ask and bring my damn change.
5. Cooking for other people. The criticism that may follow the meal is what I fear most. Criticism comes in all forms: verbal feedback, vomiting, sudden loss of appetite.
6. Forgetting to call my parents. I love them. One day they may not be there. 
7. Mice & birds. Both dead and alive. I have an abnormal fear of both.
8. Having a TV on as background noise. It makes me edgy.
9. People walking outside on pavement without shoes on.
10. Balls flying towards at my face. That just sounds wrong.

Although I have a list of 10 things that bug me, there are a zillion things that make my heart happy. I’ll share those another day. Not all zillion because that would be more of chapter book rather than a blog post.

What random things bug you?