This Wino Wednesday post was inspired by a vodka soda with lemon. Okay, I lied. Two vodka sodas with lemon. Both mine. And yes, I realize this isn’t wine. But a girl needs variety.

It’s simple. I may have fallen head over heels in love. With a girl.

Now before you start shopping for fanny packs and wallet chains, I need to explain why.

It says it all in my receipt. My server wants me.

She thought I was adorable and young! Why else would she use those words. CUTE means adorable. GIRL means young. She could have put NOT HIDEOUS CHICK or WHITE TOP CHICK or LOUD ONE.

She kept an eye on me. That’s what you do when you think someone is hot. That, or you want to make sure they don’t skip out on their tab.

She brought me cocktails. Sure she gets paid to do it. But it’s only $2.13 per hour so I’m sure she was motivated by something else.

Fuck, the pieces are coming together now. I fell for her trap. She is a tipped employee.

Clearly flattery paid off; I left her with a 63% tip (this was computed long after the evening, since doing that kind of math is impossible with a few cocktails in me).

At least I started this pretend lesbian love affair with a super crafty and smart server. I’ve definitely made worse love choices in my life. But really I should know better…and I should add servers/wait staff/tipped employees to my list of strippers and lead singer in this post.

Wino Wednesday…this weekly feature is designed to share my wine alcohol related stories.

Before you read this I need to explain something. This is serious. Listen carefully. I am NOT suicidal. I love life. I can be described as happy (much of the time) and have so much to live for.

Now to move on to why we’re here…

Have you ever wondered what people would say about you at your funeral? I have. I’m curious. I want to know. Only downside, I’d be too dead to hear it.

Nothing feels better than being reminded  by friends and family what they adore about you. It also feels good to share with others what you love about them. But for some reason most people don’t share this shit.

I think I’m going to start sharing this stuff with people I love. But not here. It’s too private.

But since I put much of my life out there, feel free to share your thoughts in my comments. I can take it.

It’s like being dead without the dead part.

I adore my mom. Actually I’ve called her mumsie since college. We’re super close. We’d live closer if we could. (Long story on why she had to leave Utah. Just to be clear and so I don’t look like a horrible daughter, her reason for leaving was health related.)

Anyhow on my recent trip to Texas, my mom did so many things that made me laugh….

at her. Not with her.

Mumsie - July 4, 2009

But I told her. So when she reads this, she may smile. Or take me out of her will. But whatever, she knows I love her more than any other mom. She’s my favorite!

So here are a few things that made me laugh:

• She called my cell right after we landed but before we got to the gate to let me know there was a bathroom right outside my gate by baggage claim. Because I probably needed to use it. My rebellious side surfaced…so I held it. And waited until we got to the restaurant for lunch. Damn her, she was quick to point out that restroom too.
• Before I jumped into the shower my first morning there, she explained that the shampoo was on the left and the conditioner was on the right. Keep in mind, these were ordinary labeled shampoo and conditioner bottles. And I’m 37 years old and quite literate.
• She apologized for slowing down on the freeway. I asked why she was sorry. She replied, “Well, I had to slow down because all these zippy little cars near me were driving crazy.” Actually they were going the speed limit and driving along in their own lane. My new favorite phrase…”zippy”.
• She wears lipstick on her teeth. And she’s just like me. Wait, I’m just like her. We always wear lipstick. I try to keep it off my teeth since that distracts from the piece of spinach or whatever else I’m sporting for the day.
• She is so quick with everything. She takes showers without getting wet (it seems). She wears swimsuits under her clothes, just in case. She cooks everything on high. Yet another skill I got from her…cooking.
• She gets along with everyone. Including my dad and his wife of 15 years. Mom and dad divorced 35 years ago. And she hung out at his house all weekend long like they were old acquaintances. She has a talent.

Damn, I love that lady! She always makes me smile and laugh. And love. And now with all this material, you’re now stocked with “your mom” jokes for a while. I’m nice like that. Got that from her.