• you’re sick.
• you need to turn your gigantic king size mattress.
• you want an easy way to turn down an admirer simply because you’re not interested.
• lightbulbs in your vaulted ceiling need to be changed.
• you want to grill. Or in my case, you want any food cooked at home.
• groceries need to be carried in.
• your razor blade is really dull, but his isn’t.
• you want to have passionate loving sex, not alone.
• there’s a thunderstorm in the middle of the night.
• you need a hug.
• you need a bottle of wine opened after a major arm workout with your trainer.
• you want to know if you really snore.

What would you add to the list?

I realize that many of these things have nothing to do with having a significant other in your life. Friends can also be in our life to support us. They always seem to make life happen. Without them, we’d be lost.

Cheers to friends!

Self photos…we all have taken them. Why do we do it? Well here’s one reason why I do it. If I’m wearing a gift I received, I will send the person who gave it to me a quick photo as proof that I love the gift. When I say gift, I mean clothing & jewelry. I don’t strategically place the gifted iPhone dock on my torso and snap a photo and hit send. That would be silly.

There are also rare instances when I have sent “intimate” self photos to someone who has seen me in person the same way. When I say intimate, I mean naked. More specifically, topless. Beaver shots are not my thing.

As a new trick, I recently learned how to send photos over IM. It’s easy. Simply drag the photo over to the IM window and hit enter. If you’ve ever IM’ed…the pace is fast. Typos are common. Capitalization and punctuation isn’t always perfect. You’re in a mad race to get your thoughts out just like you would if you were sitting across from the person talking. There is no “recall” feature. Once it is sent, it is done. This translates to mistakes.

I had two darling intimate photos I wanted to send to someone. We happened to be chatting over IM. Remember how simple it is? Select picture, drag to IM window, drop picture there, hit enter. Done. So easy.

It may be important to note here that I was chatting with 3 people all in different windows on this particular evening. It is also very easy to drop the picture in the WRONG IM window.  

The rest of my IM chats went something like this:

Me:

Fuck.

Don’t look at my last message.

Please don’t.

I sent you a picture meant for _____’s eyes.

Fuck.

Him:

Okay. I won’t look. I’ll delete it.

[Changing windows]

Me (to the guy who I MEANT to send it to):

Fuck. I just sent photo #2 to someone else.

Him:

Was it a guy?

Me:

Yes.

Him:

He’ll love it.

Although I can’t guarantee that this photo was loved by anyone, I can assure you that I am much more careful on IM now.  Shocking my male friends with those types of pictures is SO wrong on so many levels.

I had a lunch date scheduled with a guy I had dated a few times. It was on a work day. He was instructed to pick me up outside of my office in a loading dock area off of the busy street. Did I mention that we had only dated a few times and were openly dating others?

When I walked out of the building at the scheduled pick up time I saw him waiting in the agreed upon pick up spot.  I noticed he wasn’t in the car he usually drove. Being a good dater, I didn’t even hesitate….assuming it belonged to his friend or another girl he was dating. It was a large Suburban type vehicle. 

As I opened the passenger door I noticed a kid’s car seat in the back. Again, assuming this car belonged to someone else, I continued without question.

Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: “Hi” [hoisting myself up on the passenger seat]

Him: “Hi” [hesitantly]

Me: [strapping on my seatbelt]

Him: “Uhm, who are you?”

Yep, I got in the wrong car. To make matters worse, this strange man was the husband of one of my employees. She walked out right at exact moment I realized my mistake.  She wondered what in the hell I was doing in her husband’s car. 

Then I looked behind us at the car that just pulled up. There was my date. He wondered what in the hell I was doing getting out of another man’s car right before our date.

Timing is everything. That day, mine was off.

RING. Our home phone rings. I actually forgot we had one until I heard it.

It was a call from a life insurance sales agent about two life insurance policies I own. We talk a bit. Meanwhile, the kid is still in the same room eavesdropping on every word I speak with this guy. She kept asking who it was and all I could do was mumble “it’s a guy” with the phone away from my mouth.

Before I could get off the phone, my daughter loudly whispers, “Ask if he’s single.”

Huh? Does she think my standards have been lowered to any man who can use the telephone?

• “I’m in.”  This makes me snicker like a schoolgirl every damn time I hear a guy say it.  They are usually trying to confirm their interest in participating in an event. I automatically think they’re saying they’ve inserted. Imagine asking a man, “Are you in?” What an ego deflator. Especially when all I want to know is if he’s coming joining us. 
• A private club for members This has been a term used in Utah for years to indicate that you must have a membership to enter a club or bar. Every time I hear this I think it’s a private club for mens’ private parts. Imagine a bunch of dicks wandering around a bar. Wait, I’ve actually seen that.
• “Have a great flight.” & “You too.” When a gate agent says this to me, I inevitably respond with “you too” as I rush onto the jetway. It takes me a minute to realize she isn’t flying anywhere.
• Fir & Duck When I mistype on my iPhone it should know that I rarely intend to use the term “fir” or “duck” in my text.  Fir should be for and duck should swap the “d” for a “f”. I think my iPhone misunderstands who I am. It takes me for an outdoorsy girl.  I’m not.

What are the phrases that make you laugh? Please share them. I need more to giggle about.

At dinner I noticed two hot older women. I tried to sneak a photo of them but it was a leopard print blur. You know how hard it is to inconspicuously walk with phone in front of your face trying to aim at moving targets? They were both older with blonde hair. Both had arthritis (okay huge fake boobs), artificial nails, super tanned, tight clothes and sitting at a table with three younger men. The women were hot, the men were hotter.

Which leads me to the cougar scare. Urban Dictionary describes a cougar as an attractive woman in her 30’s or 40’s who is on the hunt for a younger man.

Even Barbie is known to have cougaresque tendencies:

Rather than worry and get my fake boobs removed, or go back to my natural dirty blonde hair I’ve decided to take another route. I won’t wear tight animal print shirts, prey on younger men, or get artificial nails.

If I ever forget, you have my permission to withhold wine until I come to my senses again. Trust me, this says a lot.

Me: What if my next love interest sucks in bed?
Him: You can teach him.

(Thinking about the lesson plan.)

Me: Or I can break up.

Disclaimer: I realize that toe curling intimacy is due to the chemistry two people share. It is not about the physical movement, although that works as an enhancement to curling toes.

This may be the one argument on why one should enjoy the milk for free before buying the cow.

Back to the party. I do them well. I mingle. I chat. It’s where I thrive. Plus I wore a hot little dress that makes me smile. Towards the end of the evening (translates to consumption of lots of alcohol) I was pulled aside to meet another group of people. This group happened to be a small group of men. Not small in size, they were regular sized men. We were all making idle chit chat about the weather, the party, the cute engaged couple, living in other cities, traveling, whatever. Then out of the blue one man blurted out (directly to me) “I’m married.”  This comment was so out of place and odd that it felt like time stopped and the room got super quiet.  I responded with, “I’m single.” I could have added, “dumbass” but it didn’t go with my dress. 

So my question is this..

Why did he say it?

The only explanation I can come up with is this.  He heard me say, “Can you unzip my dress?” when I really said something like “Canoe near Madras?”. Although I’m certain that canoeing never came up in conversation or it would have been my cue to excuse myself to grab another glass of wine.

Later he sent over a glass of port for each of us at the table. Side note: I hate port since it tastes like raisins. Regardless, having a drink sent to your table makes one feel special. Prior to the port delivery I was feeling knocked off my goddess pedestal unlike my friend who was enjoying glasses of Silver Oak Cab at $184 a bottle.

I never thought I’d say this but that glass of port made me feel hot.