Normal evening after work. My daughter and I come home from taking a quick walk after getting a bite to eat. Next up…homework. She sits at the kitchen counter. I stand on the other side of the counter and go through mail available to answer homework questions.

RING. Our home phone rings. I actually forgot we had one until I heard it.

It was a call from a life insurance sales agent about two life insurance policies I own. We talk a bit. Meanwhile, the kid is still in the same room eavesdropping on every word I speak with this guy. She kept asking who it was and all I could do was mumble “it’s a guy” with the phone away from my mouth.

Before I could get off the phone, my daughter loudly whispers, “Ask if he’s single.”

Huh? Does she think my standards have been lowered to any man who can use the telephone?

There are phrases in life that make me giggle like a 12 year old.

• “I’m in.”  This makes me snicker like a schoolgirl every damn time I hear a guy say it.  They are usually trying to confirm their interest in participating in an event. I automatically think they’re saying they’ve inserted. Imagine asking a man, “Are you in?” What an ego deflator. Especially when all I want to know is if he’s coming joining us. 
• A private club for members This has been a term used in Utah for years to indicate that you must have a membership to enter a club or bar. Every time I hear this I think it’s a private club for mens’ private parts. Imagine a bunch of dicks wandering around a bar. Wait, I’ve actually seen that.
• “Have a great flight.” & “You too.” When a gate agent says this to me, I inevitably respond with “you too” as I rush onto the jetway. It takes me a minute to realize she isn’t flying anywhere.
• Fir & Duck When I mistype on my iPhone it should know that I rarely intend to use the term “fir” or “duck” in my text.  Fir should be for and duck should swap the “d” for a “f”. I think my iPhone misunderstands who I am. It takes me for an outdoorsy girl.  I’m not.

What are the phrases that make you laugh? Please share them. I need more to giggle about.

I got a little worried recently. I’m 37. And I’m single.

At dinner I noticed two hot older women. I tried to sneak a photo of them but it was a leopard print blur. You know how hard it is to inconspicuously walk with phone in front of your face trying to aim at moving targets? They were both older with blonde hair. Both had arthritis (okay huge fake boobs), artificial nails, super tanned, tight clothes and sitting at a table with three younger men. The women were hot, the men were hotter.

Which leads me to the cougar scare. Urban Dictionary describes a cougar as an attractive woman in her 30’s or 40’s who is on the hunt for a younger man.

Even Barbie is known to have cougaresque tendencies:

Rather than worry and get my fake boobs removed, or go back to my natural dirty blonde hair I’ve decided to take another route. I won’t wear tight animal print shirts, prey on younger men, or get artificial nails.

If I ever forget, you have my permission to withhold wine until I come to my senses again. Trust me, this says a lot.