Because when you order take out and you ask for extra spice, you will get this:

FOUR HUGE CONTAINERS OF RICE! And when I say huge, I mean it. I swear each one was stuffed full and weighed five pounds.

Clearly the order taker heard “we’d like extra rice” versus the intended “we’d like extra spice”.

So blame me if crazy things happen that can be traced back to the price of rice in China. And please, don’t tell Dr. Atkins what’s in my fridge. He’d have a heart attack.

I’m a talker. That’s what I’m good at. On the flip side, I’m the ultimate misuser of written words. Often I fuck up punctuation, emphasize the wrong word or leave out a word or explanation meant to help with context. This can cause confusion in written conversations. Simply stated: MISINTERPRETATIONS!

Here’s a recent IM chat that went horribly wrong. Thankfully it was quickly cleared up before crazy rumors started flying around town.

Conversation is slightly modified to protect the identities of others and the innocent.

Susan Mercedes: Big news…just got it.

Susan Mercedes: Elle is going to be a big sister!

Friend: WHAT?

Susan Mercedes: yep, due this spring.

Friend: WHAT?

Susan Mercedes: They [Elle's dad and stepmom] are having a baby.

Friend: Dude, I thought you meant you and I was panicking.

Susan Mercedes: NO!!!

Susan Mercedes: funny!

Susan Mercedes: that’s really funny actually.

Lesson here: Always share significant information in person. Or be sure the message is clear before ending the conversation.

The upside (because there always is one)…there are worse offenders than me.

I hate Facebook. I’m rarely on it. However some people idiots use it the wrong way and end up on Lamebook. It’s a website created from real Facebook walls posts and put in one place to show all the crazy shit that is out there.

Here’s one of my favorites:

See how Damien left that comment wide open for interpretation (or misinterpretation rather)? Michael read it, added an animal and made a joke. I like Michael.

And just to set the record straight. I am NOT pregnant. And I don’t think Damien is really fucking sheep. But I do know that Michael is funny.

Self photos…we all have taken them. Why do we do it? Well here’s one reason why I do it. If I’m wearing a gift I received, I will send the person who gave it to me a quick photo as proof that I love the gift. When I say gift, I mean clothing & jewelry. I don’t strategically place the gifted iPhone dock on my torso and snap a photo and hit send. That would be silly.

There are also rare instances when I have sent “intimate” self photos to someone who has seen me in person the same way. When I say intimate, I mean naked. More specifically, topless. Beaver shots are not my thing.

As a new trick, I recently learned how to send photos over IM. It’s easy. Simply drag the photo over to the IM window and hit enter. If you’ve ever IM’ed…the pace is fast. Typos are common. Capitalization and punctuation isn’t always perfect. You’re in a mad race to get your thoughts out just like you would if you were sitting across from the person talking. There is no “recall” feature. Once it is sent, it is done. This translates to mistakes.

I had two darling intimate photos I wanted to send to someone. We happened to be chatting over IM. Remember how simple it is? Select picture, drag to IM window, drop picture there, hit enter. Done. So easy.

It may be important to note here that I was chatting with 3 people all in different windows on this particular evening. It is also very easy to drop the picture in the WRONG IM window.  

The rest of my IM chats went something like this:

Me:

Fuck.

Don’t look at my last message.

Please don’t.

I sent you a picture meant for _____’s eyes.

Fuck.

Him:

Okay. I won’t look. I’ll delete it.

[Changing windows]

Me (to the guy who I MEANT to send it to):

Fuck. I just sent photo #2 to someone else.

Him:

Was it a guy?

Me:

Yes.

Him:

He’ll love it.

Although I can’t guarantee that this photo was loved by anyone, I can assure you that I am much more careful on IM now.  Shocking my male friends with those types of pictures is SO wrong on so many levels.