My posts this week have not been topless! Meaning they have definitely covered boobs. I was on a mission to save my boobs after I die, I covered cougar boobs and even found out that google loves my boobs.

Well it all makes sense why this was wasn’t a topless week. It is the 6 week birthday of my new rack. Congrats to them. To celebrate, I may go topless.

Some people tape ripped paper. Others tape TV shows. Some even get tape worms.

My doctor tapes boobs.

I’ve been walking around for two weeks feeling like a paper-mâché art project.  The tape is holding my newly molded boobs so they are guaranteed to stay perky and in place while I heal.  The tape is wrapped over each boob leaving the nipples bare. It also goes up to my neck.  Try getting dressed with that restriction. Oh yeah, and it’s thick off-white tape. Black would have been so much better.

Showering is an entertaining activity. I was told to wrap myself in plastic wrap to keep the tape dry. Have you ever tried that? It’s hard enough covering a casserole dish, let alone my mid section.

A ton of money was spent on these boobs.  And I haven’t been able to see them yet. That’s like buying a new car and not driving it for two weeks. That doesn’t work for me. I’m impatient like that. The tape comes off on Wednesday.  I can’t wait to see/touch/dress my new body parts.

Taped Boob

Ever had a catheter in your boobs? No? Well, it’s an experience like no other. You should try it. Unless you’re a man or already have the perfect breasts. 

If you’re not in the latter two categories and you decide you’re gonna upgrade yours, you’ll probably do a lot of research on the net. Read the forums about breast augmentation, peoples experiences, maybe even welcome the opportunity to watch some porn in the name of research.  

Then you’ll get a kick-ass surgeon and scrape together your savings in the name of perfect D-cups and a nice two hour nap. After waking up from your nap your first question is whether they caught the truck that hit your chest. But you’ll get over that quickly, forgive the truck driver and then have the nurse send him a thank-you note for solving your never ending “what bra should I wear today” dilemma. 

But – conspiracy theorists take note – there’s something nobody told you. No woman that went through it ever mentioned it. Collective amnesia. You did not only get a nice new rack, they also gave each boob their own personal catheter. 

Yup, that’s right. You’ve got clear plastic tubes coming out of your new girls, along with two clear plastic bottles. And then you realize you traded your bra problem for a bigger, “How am I ever going to find clothes that hide those bottles” problem. You knew you couldn’t lift stuff for a few weeks, to make sure your muscles don’t move your new additions into the wrong place, but you only took a long weekend ’cause you were supposed to be fine going to work after. 

If you think I’m exaggerating picture hiding this under your clothes:

Boob Tubes

The good news is, if you actually listen to your doctor, and drain your tubes frequently, and don’t do any strenuous activity, they will take out your tubes pretty soon, at which point you can worry about the fun things like what new bras to get. I’m talking from experience here, listen to your doctor.

First time around I took my girls out for a few test drives way too soon, and I was stuck with the tubes for a week and a half. This time, I smartened up and after my post op visit today with a very excited and happy doctor they removed them. And by removed them I mean pulled a really long plastic tube out from inside my breasts. An experience like no other. 

Oh, and if I you don’t hear from me again after this post, it’s probably because the conspiracy theorists were right and I spilled the beans on the big boob tube secret.

PS: Despite rumors to the contrary, I did NOT go to work as pictured above, but managed to find just the right boob-tube cover-up (which is not featured in the photo).