I adore my trainer. She is awesome. Not only does she kick my ass in our workout sessions, she tolerates me. And by tolerates, I mean she doesn’t let me give her excuses. But she does let me have fun.

At our last training session, she tossed me the elastic band as she walked over to get some hand weights. I quickly put the band on and waited for her to return.

She returned. She rolled her eyes. She waited while I took this picture. I needed a break.  (Yes, I know this picture is hideous. Hell I was sweating my ass off for 45 minutes at this point.)

Then she made me take the elastic band off my head and put it on correctly. For those of you who don’t know, this is how it works.

Again forgive me for the quality of these pictures. I was super rushed. That’s what happens when you stall on a trainer.

She handed me the weights. You know so I could hold them over my head as I did side steps from one side of the gym to the other. Twice.

Once again my trainer got her way. My ass will thank her later.

My trainer asked a favor of me. Of course, she asked while I was sweating blood from one of her amazingly tough workouts. She’s a bitch like that. So as I’m counting through my 20 reps of hell our conversation goes something like this.

Trainer: [yelling in my face] You only have a 16 more reps. Hold in your abs. Don’t lean back so far. [Then switched to sweet voice] Hey, I wanted to ask you something. Can you do me a favor?

Me: [breathless] Uhm, yes only if you make this pain stop.

Trainer: Nope, only 14 more to go.

Me: Does the favor involve me making our 1 hour sessions longer? If so, not a chance.

Trainer: No. [Her eyes roll back, probably at the thought of spending more time with me] Seriously though. Can you keep a food/drink log for 4 weeks? I’d like to use you as a case study in the college class I teach.

Me: A case study? Really? Are you thinking I’m super healthy and want to teach your students the ideal way their clients should live?

Trainer: Nine more. Chin up. Uh, no. I want them to evaluate your eating and drinking habits. And I know you’ll be honest.

Me: What’s in it for me?

Trainer: A full report and evaluation.

Me: Fuck. Sure.

I’m not a victim here.  I realize I agreed to this. But keeping a food and drink log is a giant pain in the ass. This includes itemizing all ingredients in the food I eat. I eat at restaurants all the time which makes this tricky. Plus, I have to own up to every ounce of wine I drink. And since I feature a weekly post on my blog for Wino Wednesday, I’m forced to drink so I have experiences that I blog about. Basically I drink for you.

Well, I did it. I did the favor for my trainer. I was hoping she’d hand over a pill to make me super toned. But she didn’t.

She told me that her class had a chance to review my log but she forgot to bring my report. Being impatient, I asked for a summary…

The general feedback: I drink too much [to meet the goals I set for myself, blah blah blah] and I need more vitamin D.

If I listen to them, I be forced to be SOBER and forced to sit in the sun for 20 minutes everyday. Fuck, they are students. What do they know? Nothing. Except they want me to die from cancer. The sun is dangerous. Skin cancer kills. And if I’m going to die that way, I want to be wasted drunk. All the time.

Dumb students.

I’m doing a 5K today. I signed up for two reasons. One, my friend Sarah was doing it. Two, I like to train for these competitive events.

As it turns out, Sarah is the only reason I did it. That bitch better feel special. I didn’t train at all.

Except the night before the 5K. I did some prep and training then. Specifically the carb loading technique that runners do.

Just to be clear, vodka and greasy bar food are carbs. Right? I sure as hell hope so. I needed to catch up on my training and really focus the night before. Shit, I want to win. And by win, I mean finish without throwing up.

And they are serving bagels, fruit and ice cream afterwards. It appears that athletes need to carb load afterwards too. I’m all about doing this training right.

So here’s to competitive 5K training and a doing it with good friends.